I just received a heads up from my friend Patrick at www.spititualriver.com about an article with this title. I read it, will post it in its entirety on my web site (www.hopeserenity.ca) and will paraphrase it here. Whoa to the few who say there he goes promoting, the site is there for those who have an interest in reading an interesting article that is too long to post here.

I keep hearing, and it is true, that the word free will snap people out of even a hypnotic state. Look at what we see on the internet and you’ll know what I’m saying!

Yet do we get things for free or is the word one that takes us captive?

I will state, I have honestly got one thing in my life for free. A power and new life given to me freely through a higher power some chose to call God. No strings attached free.

Many other things I got for free, I treated like they were worth what I paid for them. An oft time, what I have received for free has or is perceived to have little value; and I’m not unique.. I am truly grateful for the one gift I have been given for free, a relationship with a higher power that is always there for me IF I listen!

To me, life is not about price, it’s about value. I am prepared to pay a fair price for things that are of value to me. For my "free" fellowship I paid a horrific price, but I have certainly received great value. I paid for an education, but it has great value! Things are not about price, they are about results. If I pay, I want a payback!

When I pay for something, I usually give it focus. I want my money’s worth out of it, and in most cases do what I have to do to get value and the desired results. I have found a way to get the money I have needed to pay for expertise when I’ve needed it. Funny, I’ve invested in me to get results and have done so without regret. I remember how I could find money to support destructive behaviour. I feel good to be able to invest in constructive remedies!

Pay is not just money. It may well be things like time, effort and action. Most fail when they do not invest time effort and action to get the results they truly want!

The closing line of the article says it all. "If you value other things, honour them and commit the necessary focus, time and money investment-you value yourself."

Take a look at the complete article. It offers a perspective!

And Who Heals Me?

Over a year ago, I went on a journey to look at some real fuzzy philosophical questions. "Who Am I?"was dealt with years ago, but "What Is My Purpose?" remained vague.

I went on a real journey to discover what it is about past employment that I loved and was good at, and what did I really want to do with the balance of my working life.

I am not cut out for a "job" job, and love helping others and seeing growth, one person at a time.

I found out from examination and from others that I had been coaching and mentoring for years, had helped many, and have passion for those affected by addiction and those with a desire to transform their life. It’s something I do as a natural part of who I am.

I have no desire to be a therapist, but found I loved coaching. From my sports background, I could relate exactly to the difference a great coach makes to individual goal setting and achievement. The same techniques used by athletic coaches’ work with every facet of life. We all have strengths that can be better used. It is my passion to bring these strengths out in others.

I have gone forth, taken education, read and studied, done a lot of "free" coaching, and have been blessed with a practice that is starting to get traction. I might even break even one day. Further, I have stayed very active in helping others who are struggling with addiction and will go to group sessions. It is important to maintain a "service" component in my life. I am a well qualified coach today.

My coaching clients are people who want to deal very privately with issues and have the means and willingness to pay for a coach. My primary job is to listen and ask questions and give feedback! In many cases, people pay more attention and take more responsibility when they "hire" an expert. Go figure! They are willing to be held accountable for what they undertake. I listen to them intently, and am trained to ask great questions.

Lately I have been dealing with my own "life" issues, and with all that I know and all that I have done, I am constantly reminded about how human I am.

In working with a client this morning on motivational challenges he faces, and listening intently, it struck me how similar some of the challenges he is facing to those I currently face! I actually heard myself.

In working with another client this afternoon, I am reminded that living a great and abundant balanced life is work in progress, and that I will never realize perfection. I am also reminded that the issues I faced three weeks or a month ago are gone; replaced by the issues of today.

I do feels the ups and downs of life, and I think because of the work I do and the person that I am, I have very high expectations for me!

I have a more complete toolkit to deal with issues than most of the people I work with. I have had several coaches in my life, have continuous conversations with coaches and other professionals, and can be pretty open and honest about my feelings. I have tools, but at times can be guilty of not using them properly and getting down!

When I’m like this, who heals me?

I have a great relationship with the higher power that has always dwelt within me and is a part of all that is in the universe. I am on a journey of spiritual (not religious) growth, and have to remember to stop and seek help and guidance on a regular basis. I have been given tools, and through conscious contact and some wonderful people I talk with, I can recognize what is going on with me, and realize that as bad as things seem (and this is relative to my expectations), I can deal with the cards I have been dealt.

But the real answer to my own question; it is you that heals me, people outside of myself, and sometimes totally anonymous.

On a daily basis I get feedback, and love it. People generally are caring and try to be positive.

In living my life purpose, there are challenges. As most who have tried know, building a business, even if you’re passionate about it, is not easy. The collective "you" are the source of inspiration, and I certainly get a piece of "the message" from many.

I have been blessed by people who do give feedback, and by many who refer others to me. I am in the gratitude mode constantly for this. I openly ask for your help to allow me to do more of what I do well.

Thanks for healing me, and thanks for the trust you place in me.

Now, who heals you? Do you allow healing to happen?

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January Reflections –life recovery, addiction help

I sit here on a beautiful January day. Out my office window I see nothing but blue sky and a white ground cover of snow. When I take the time to reflect on what my eyes see, I feel at peace.

It has been an interesting start to a new year, one that I’m really optimistic about!

I’ve taken on a new volunteer challenge with a community organization I’m a member of. I bring to it a lot of experience and a track record of being part of major accomplishments in the same sector. The first couple of meetings have been great. I think I contribute to the overall well being, and in return, get some personal satisfaction.

From a work stand point, I am not as busy as I need (mentally) to be. I’ve been very lucky to meet through on line contacts three people who are struggling, want a better life, appear to be ready to do what it takes and appear to be honest. None of them are on top of their game financially and I have chosen to coach them for nothing; the value is truly on what I get back from seeing others slowly find themselves!

I have continued to blog on my web site and other sites. Through input and help from others, my own site is attracting some members who share, and I value this. My “free stuff” is being downloaded, and that is great. From some of the sites I blog on, particularly sites that focus on recovery, I am reminded that we are all different and not perfect and particularly a few of those who have been around for a while like to see themselves as the conscience of the world and protector of all. It has to be nice to know exactly what values are expected from others and pass judgment. From them, I learn.

Next week I hit another turn over of the odometer of life. I will surpass the amount of years my late father lived. I am relieved and glad that I had the courage to make the lifestyle changes that were in part responsible for me losing a great man from my life.

It’s been a month during which I feel gratitude deeply for what the co-creative process of life recovery has given me, not only addiction help, but the ability to live an abundant and reasonably balanced life. A couple of the people closest to me have gone through employment trauma, and I’ve been able to listen, question, and just be a good supportive father. I’ve really enjoyed my grand kids and look forward to my weekly “play dates” with my three year old- it really isn’t babysitting. It’s wonderful for a few moments to see the world through the eyes of a child. Upon reflection, I am truly blessed.

My wife, who I certainly put through hell pre-recovery, continues to be my best friend and confidant. I can say today that we share “real intimacy” in our relationship; something far more than just physical.

I have a few true friends, and over the last month have reconnected with my closest boyhood/teen friend. The reconnect was one of those positive coincidences, and I have enjoyed the catching up and renewed contact. Having a few friends, reconnecting with an old friend and developing friends in our new community has been a blessing!

In reflection, I also have to remember my Life Rule #1. Life is hard. The past month has certainly come with its challenges and disappointments, its worries and fears. Life is not perfect, but I have living tools today that let me stay in the moment, ask for help, listen to that small quiet voice that is within and cherish the hope and serenity that make up a large part of my life today.

To those who have shared honestly with me both positives and constructive criticism, a simple thanks. Thanks to my personal support team including that small quiet voice of sanity. Thanks to those I worked with today. From that experience, I have been able to reflect and feel gratitude!

As my friend Dennis says”’nuff said.” I’ll let my eyes soak up the beauty outside my window for a few moments, and get back to it. Thanks for reading and more living to experience today!!

MORE-THAT FIRST STEP (forgiveness)
As usual, my coaching mentor, Dr. Randin Brons has hit a very good topic with this week's Idea Engineer.
Recently I did a blog on that first step that sparked very good response. Response indicates that it caused some thought, and I love to do that internally and spark it in others.
Randin talks about a first step to forgiveness, and his words are in keeping with I try to live and coach others in. This week says:
The first step to forgiveness

"To get to forgiveness, we first have to work through the painful experiences that require it." -- Christiane Northrup

"To forgive, we do not have to say that whatever happened was okay. In fact, before we can forgive, we need to allow ourselves to really feel the pain of the experience. If we don't fully acknowledge our hurts, we will continue to carry them subconsciously and they will drain our energy.

To forgive, we need to decide that we won't allow the memories of the event to poison us any longer. We're ready to heal this wound from the past and open to a fresh new beginning.
The blessing is that when we're really ready to experience our pain and we open to it, it usually fades away. By honouring our pain, we release it."

"We must let ourselves feel all the painful destruction we want to forgive rather than swallow it in denial. If we do not face it, we cannot choose to forgive it." -- Kenneth McNoll

A thing all must remember-we don't have to say all was OK; we don't have to be door mats. We are right to feel, but that being said, we have to let go. We don’t have to let bad experiences occupy the valuable space in our heads like tenants who don't pay rent! Honour the pain, then release it; use the head space for something constructive!! Get ready for new beginnings every day.
Have some thoughts about this. Please share them for the benefit of all.
You are also strongly invite to visit our web site at www.hopeserenity.ca and view the changes and get involved. The thought you post may make a huge difference to someone struggling with life issues.

 

WHY DO I HAVE BAD HABITS?
An interesting question, one I used to dwell on. Martha Beck has a simple answer.
 “Bad habits fill needs, so find good alternatives for them.”
Which might lead one to ask, what needs are filled by bad habits?
For me, I developed bad habits to escape a life I was unhappy with. A life heavy on emotional pain, insecurities, low self-esteem, feeling sick and tired constantly, anger, resentments. I developed bad habits as coping methods to escape a life that I was not happy in.
Let’s reverse this.
Why do I have good living habits today?
Applying Beck’s logic, my needs are met.
While this is not 100% the case, it is for the most part true. Many of the habits that I considered “bad” are gone today because I found a balanced way of living and a model for good mental hygiene. It did not come easy and came with a lot of help from some expert sources.
Want to get rid of those bad habits and find a healthy way to insure your basic needs are met?
Interested in looking at ways of addressing bad habits? Leave your comments here or feel free to contact me through www.coached-to-success.com.

 
 

   HUMOUR- Don't lose it!
Early in the process of life recovery I found that whatever sense of humour I had left had disappeared. I had trouble genuinely laughing, particularly at myself. I must say that over time, a sense of humour (sometimes twisted) returned to my life, and I love to laugh.
I'm not the greatest shopper in the world. My wife does not push it with me. I'd love to be able to say that the situations below were about me, but that wouldn't be true. I can say they did give me a great laugh and one day I'd love to try a few of them out!
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
 
   After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany heron her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
 
   Dear Mrs. Bray,
   Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
 
  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
   Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
 
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
  6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
 
  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
 
 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
  14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
  And last, but certainly not least:
 
  15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

I hope this share brought at least one laugh or smile to your face. If it didn't, might be time for an attitude adjustment! I'd like to thank my friend Vickie Wisdom who shared this with me, and invite a few of you "glum lot" who might read this to share some humour on this site (and we'd love to see it at www.hopeserenity.ca) and please make sure, make at least a laugh a day a part of your life. It works as well as apples (or bananas) do!
 
 


 

SIMPLE LOGIC (The God Thing)

You must wait and listen for the sound of the genuine that is within you. When you hear it, that will be your voice and the Voice of God.

- Howard Thurman, American author, civil rights leader, and theologian (1899-1981)

One of the great things with what I spend a lot of time at is that I hear a lot from others. Whether it is in response to blogs like this, comments through my web site or in the several conversations that are a part of my day, different thoughts or approaches to tough issues come up.
A recovery site I love, for those facing addictions, is "In The Rooms". It is not for the faint of heart or the wavering, some real opinionated people on there. I have a post on there entitled "Struggling With God" that has been well read and commented on. Funny how quickly a topic like God automatically gets into religion and differences and the spiritual part moves to the background. No wonder so many struggle!
Many who I have contact with, and are working through a process to recover a life they want, are spiritually bankrupt. This condition is common with the addicted and those who have dug themselves into other "black holes". To me, getting a spiritual concept that is real to an individual is a big part of recovery. The Thurman quote above came at about the same time a "friend" and I were talking about spirituality and finding a higher power that HE was comfortable with. For many, finding something that you can believe in and hang on to is a life changer. Spirituality and religion is NOT the same thing, although for some they go hand in hand and it works for them.
In conversation today we talked about the 2 entities that are us. Jekyll and Hyde, good and evil, devil and angel- how ever you visualise it. After all, when you say "I'm mad at myself" who is "I" and who is “myself"?
So today's journey took "friend" (some people react to the word client) and I down the duality path. He has done a fair bit "right" lately in his life, and although still feeling empty/flat, he has stayed away from some nasty behaviour. When he partakes in this destructive behaviour, he knows the consequences but "something" overrides sane thinking. I asked him what he thought it was and I loved his response- "SIMPLE LOGIC"! What a great concept, and isn't that exactly what Thurman referred to as "the genuine that is within you"?
I certainly believe that it is in all of us- finding, listening and acting on "it" can be tough. It is however, simple logic; like a child not putting there hand on a hot stove intentionally more than once.
So the trick may just be learning to listen to the simple logic, that sound of genuine, that is within. Could this be the voice that we "label" God?
Many I run across are complicated people living complicated lives. Why in certain areas of life is it hard for them to listen to the "Simple Logic" that is within?
Tired of the numbness spiritual bankruptcy causes, and worn out trying to understand the God thing? Know there is more and just can't find it? Maybe my friends’ concept of simple logic (heavy on the simple) may help you. Wait and listen for the genuine that is within you!
I'm looking forward to reading your comments about these thoughts! (www.hopeserenity.ca)

 


 

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ACTING ON LIFE'S STAGE!

With the fullness of time and the wisdom of hindsight, I now realize clearly that I spent much of my life playing a "character" that would please others. How many, upon reflection, know this to be true about themselves.

How do you play your roles?

"What concerns me is not the way things are, but rather the way people think things are." -- Epicetus. This was likely the approach I took to my existence. The way things are (reality) became something I consciously was in denial about; I cared truly about what you thought.

When we are basically unconscious, we live according to social roles. We perform as sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, employers and employees, as society expects us to.

As we grow in awareness, we gain the freedom to bring our own unique perspectives to these roles. We can express ourselves authentically and creatively, without letting our roles dictate how we should behave.

Those roles, the things I am in life, did not change. Son, father, grandfather, friend, husband, confidant and more, all remained. With the process of co-creative life recovery, how I played those roles (authentically) changed and changes for the better as the journey continues. I enjoy a new freedom today, a freedom based on accepting being the best me I can be is just fine and my perspectives have value and are OK. I live in truth with myself and the higher power I have frequent conscious contact with today.

We all are actors on life's stage. I have gone through a transformation that allows me to play the role of authentic Keith, and I no longer have to act a false role as well as produce and direct my life. Relief with a new found peace and serenity and a strong sense of hope.

I would love to read your thoughts about this here or at www.hopeserenity.ca,

"Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth." -- Katherine Mansfield

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NO GAIN WITHOUT PAIN

Man, those words flowed from the lips of my old football coach Mr. Fleming many years ago. I still remember them well. Back then, you knew exactly when the pain would end (right after practise) and after playing a while, you got smart and learned you in deed could make gain without pain.

Suffering, something that comes out of pain is something over which we have choice!!

Suffering is a journey which has an end.

--Matthew Fox

From Hazelden:

"Pain is part of life. To live a spiritual life, we need a way to understand the suffering we sometimes endure. Looking back at other difficult times can give us a better perspective of the pain we feel today. All of us can recall a loss or a sudden difficult change that we never would have chosen for ourselves. Perhaps it brought us face to face with insecurities or doubts about our survival. Now, after the suffering has ended, we see how much we grew. We changed; we were strengthened and, perhaps, were liberated by what happened to us.

Thoughts about today's suffering may not be clear as to what good it holds for us. But we are on a journey, and it can only happen one step at a time. We know that journeys teach us great lessons and they do have endings. Our pain today affirms that we are vital and alive people. We know others suffer as we do, and we can turn to each other to give and receive comfort while we are on the journey"

While I have no choice quite frequently when it comes to pain, I do have a choice as to the length of the journey of suffering. Pain, whether physical or emotional is a feeling. With physical pain, the end is usually predictable. With emotional, the time of suffering is predicated by the actions I take and the help I seek.

Looking back, some of the suffering of the past (and much of that was self inflicted) did help my growth. That being said, I am grateful today to have acquired tools that make the journey of suffering much shorter these day.

The focus of life today is on a continuing journey of recovering from the past. Sure there is still pain, we all experience it, but from an emotional standpoint, I can make gain (progress) without living in extended suffering from pain! This spark any thoughts in you or stir feelings? (www.hopeserenity.ca)

HOW LOW DO YOU GO?
Back in high school a dance called the "Limbo" became a fade, and I believe the theme song was called "THE LIMBO ROCK". If memory serves me right, one of the questions asked was how low can you go.
There are many "historians" around that can give very detailes info about the start of what we now know as the "12 Step" movement. The original was AA, and the principles of AA have been carried through to dozens of other self-help groups and to be honest, the take on the principles have made millions for many writers and speakers through things like "The & Steps To" or the "7 Habits of". You got the picture.
Know and understand the 12 steps and you will have grasped the basic principles needed to live a life with good mental hygiene, a life that with work, will allow you to accomplish just about anything.
I am quoting today the first of the 12 steps, and a quote from the 12/12. Don't be alarmed if your not an alcoholic or addict, there is a message contained for all!
When AA was founded, the first people who were attracted were people who had lost nearly everything and many were seen as "incurable", they had tried nearly everything available to them and many had been "institutionalised" multiple times. Theit lives were at rock bottom and they felt hopeless. AA and its steps worked for a very large percentage of these people who were the early founders.
In reading the quote below, replace the references to alcohol with anything you like that is holding you back from the life you want.
As you will see in the quote, as AA grew and flourished, there was a quantum change in attitude. People were attracted that had not lost everything.....yet and as the quote staes, were spared a ton of grief.
There will be many that read this that just cannot relate. You that have a good inkling of what this is about, and feel a little twinge, may want to get in touch (khbray@hopeserenity.ca).
In living your life, "How Low Do You Go?" before you admit that you have living issues you  are powerles over, and that life inside of you is unmanageable (maybe even outside of you)?
You do not have to continue to live in your own dark hole, and you do not have to sink any lower than your current state of mind and personal well being. There is help available for those tht have the courage to ask and act.
Once again, read this quote, and if alcohol is not applicable, see if you have a word that for you is. It maybe a word as simple as people, places or things.


"Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol , that our lives had become unmanageable."

"Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs , AA began to recognize their alcoholism.  They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?
"It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression."
1952, AAWS, Inc.; Printed 2005; Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 23 *~

As I sit here on a beautiful cold and sunny morning looking over a white field, the music from the Limbo Rock plays in my head. Keith took a long time to become nimble and quick as it relate to living (don't know how Jack of candlestick fame in the song made out),had to knock down the pole when it was not real low, and say this is as low as I go; I surrender, I accept I'm beat, and will get the help I need to climb back up! Let's do the Limbo Rock!




 

DEALING with PAINFUL FEELINGS

I went to my regular fellowship meeting last night. It is a small group of men with real fellowship present. Over the summer, one of the young guys had gone MIA, and last night he returned. A little whipped, but back.

When he had his turn to speak, he said the reason he had AWOL’ed was due to feelings that had welled up in him while listening to others in the fellowship behave in ways he thought not right.
That old word…..feelings.
 
Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face.  We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear.  And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
 
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders.  We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
 
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
 
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening.  We do not have to work so hard to avoid it.  While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.
 
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on.  That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them.  Emotional pain does not have to devastate us.  We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
 
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings.  We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others.  That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.
 
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt.  Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain.  Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.

Today I am thrilled to be able to “feel” my feelings, acknowledge them, and deal with them in a healthy way. It does give me a real power, and I have to say that learning to honour my feelings and deal with them in a healthy way was something that took time in this journey of life recovery. For that I am grateful. So how do you feel about feelings? Can you deal with the painful ones? Love to see your comments here or have you share at www.hopeserenity.ca.

 

What message did you most need to hear?

"One word frees us from the weight and pain of life; that word is love." --Sophocles

A great question and point of view from my mentor, Dr. Randin Brons. In reading the list below, one statement did strike me differently. Funny, as I looked back on my past as I began the journey of life recovery, not feeling this particular statement had a huge impact on how I developed and life unfolded.

In exploring the enneagram, Riso and Hudson have identified 'lost messages' that we needed to hear as children but didn't. The absence of these words may be at the heart of our most basic fear. And unconsciously we may still be seeking to hear these words from others.

Review the following messages and note if any one touches you more strongly than the others:

1. "You are good."
2. "You are wanted."
3. "You are loved for yourself."
4. "You are seen for who you are."
5. "Your needs are not a problem."
6. "You are safe."
7. "You will be taken care of."
8. "You will not be betrayed."
9. "Your presence matters."

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." -- Dinah Mulock

That word and that feeling.....love. I didn't feel like I got it, lost it for myself, and did things trying to get it. Without it for myself, I know today that I lost the ability to truly feel it for others. Today I feel it for me, and can give it unconditionally to you, and the other statements above just "are".
I invite you to share your thoughts about this article on this site or at www.hopeserenity.ca.



 

THAT FIRST STEP
Maybe it's the time of year, maybe it's my receptors, but I have read a lot over the last few days about taking the first step. This first step has many applications.
I read that every journey of 1000 miles starts with that first small step, and reflecting back on my own life, how true that is.
I found myself years ago at a point where on the outside to others things looked good. Smoke going up the chimney of a lovely home, three cars, a job, no financial debt and so on.
Inside I was a mess and my behaviour in what I thought was a "private" world was shameful. My wife had announced she was leaving me, I was depressed and an emotional wreck had no conscious spiritual life, relationships with my kids were strained....you get the picture. I hid this part of life as best I could from others. I was full of fear.
That first step for me was getting professional help to deal with a marriage break up that I did not want to see happen. That professional passed me on to a professional who was very knowledgeable about living issues that included addictive behaviour. I kept a relationship- professional- with this coach for three years, and he quarterbacked my recovery. Recovery for me involved far more than addictions, it involved a whole new personal approach to life.
My coach introduced me to the 12 steps and recommended meetings, after a period of time; he suggested a rehab program that was right for me. He coached me, through questioning, to look at several areas of my life, including life balance. He helped me to realise what was really important to me. Along the trail, I have had occasion to engage a couple of other "coaches" in specialised areas. While my fellowship keeps me grounded in the area of its expertise, to keep the journey on a positive track, I do call on experts in specialised areas when required. I do it because it works. I am worth investing in.
That first step in my journey and in my working the 12 steps started with accepting I was in trouble, and taking that first step on the journey. For me it was getting help, and this required action on my part.
Today, I read from Hazelden, the following:

"Taking the first step helps bridge the gulf between our dreams and our accomplishments.

Whether the project is cleaning the garage, building a cathedral, or recovering from an addiction, plans must be translated into action. In order to arrive at our destination, we must begin the trip. We can read hundreds of college catalogs, but it's when we register for a course, buy a textbook, and begin to study that we are on our way to a degree.

Two factors inhibit our beginning a project. The first is lack of clear motivation, and the second is fear of failure. If we don't really want to do something, it's hard to get started. So, if motivation is a problem, we may need to reconsider our choice of projects.

As for fear of failure, this may be something that we step over and around as we move forward. It is not a good reason for aborting a dream. If, in spite of fear of failure, we make a beginning, we will find that the fear shrinks with every step we take. Action is the catalyst. We learn how to do something by doing it."

I know today what held me back from taking that first step, and am abundantly grateful that I was pushed and motivated to take it. It has made a profound positive change in the life I live today. What is holding you back from taking that first step? You are worth it!! (www.coached-to-success.com or www.hopeserenity.ca)



 

WHO ARE YOU MEANT TO BE?
“Often we don't listen to who we're meant to be because we're so busy trying to live out someone else's ideas. But other people and their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.”
—  Oprah
When I read this Oprah quote, I held on to it, and have reflected upon it.
For years, a small quiet voice inside whispered to me who I was supposed to be. I learned how to ignore it and escape it to a point that I consciously didn't hear it anymore.
I am an example of a person who for too many years tried to live the ideas of others and listened too much to what others thought I should be. I wanted to please them, and it was not until the past few years that I reconnected to that inner voice and took action to be whom I was meant to be.
While who I am and what I do does not please everyone, it pleases the higher power I have an optimistic outlook, smile easily, laugh easily and am far more tolerant of others points of view than I ever have been. Moments of depression pass quickly and each day I am blessed with moments of both hope and serenity. I can, and do, make a positive contribution to life in a way that pleases the higher power that I have regular conscious contact with! I sleep fitfully nearly every night.
Who are you meant to be?
This question is worth reflecting on, as are Oprah's words. The answer is the key to your happy future.
I'd love to see others share on this important topic either here or through www.hopeserenity.ca.
A word of caution, once I could honestly answer the question, getting to where I am today took hard work and the help of many! It is not an easy path.


 

LETTING GO!
As we enter a new year and a new decade, how much garbage are we carrying with us?
Over the quiet times of the last few days, I have asked myself that question, and have tried as best I can to let go of the garbage of the past and enjoy the "NOW"! Easier said than done.
As part of my recovery journey, I try, on a daily basis, to take a personal inventory of recent occurrences. Where I have been wrong or where the seeds of resentment or negative feeling have been planted, I try to address the issue immediately and keep the slate clean. My burden is far less today than the heavy baggage I toted years ago.
I am a believer in meditation.
When it was first suggested to me that I make meditation a part of my daily living, I rolled my eyes. I had no idea what meditation was and had visions of monks in the Himalayas chanting, or sitting at the foot of some bearded guru, a flashback to my semi- hippie days.
Seems I'm not alone. As I work with others and they open up, many tell me they really have no idea about how to meditate. For me, who needs things simple, meditation is simply slowing down my brain chatter and allowing myself to "Listen to and Hear" the small quiet voice inside.
The following talks about simple meditation as it relates to "Letting Go". Read it, think about it, and even more important, try it! It gets easier and more important in the maintenance of "Life Balance" as you use it.
"Letting go is the first step towards new beginnings. You need to release old thoughts, grudges, hurts and disappointments.

Old habits may die hard, but with a few little steps you can be rid of them forever.

One very effective way of ridding yourself of excess emotional baggage, is through visualization.

Find yourself a nice peaceful place where you will be undisturbed. Ensure that you make yourself as comfortable as possible, take a deep breath, and relax.

Continue to breath slowly in…and out…in…and out…letting go of all tension in your body. When you are ready, let your eyes close, and relax…Now as you relax and continue to breath deeply, notice any unwanted thoughts that come to mind…breath in deeply… and breath out slowly through your mouth… as you breathe out, imagine blowing the unwanted thought into a balloon…see the balloon expand as images of the unwanted thought are captured…continue to breath deeply… and blow any remaining images into the balloon…Now imagine a cord being tied tightly around the neck of the balloon…and as you now breathe out, let go of the balloon…letting go…a quietness of spirit…watch as the balloon drifts slowly away…notice the feeling of freedom and total relaxation as the balloon drifts… further… and further away…out of sight…out of mind…

This technique can be repeated as often as you feel the need, you can use the visualization for as many unwanted thoughts and images as you like. With practise, you will even be able visualize and release a whole bunch of unwanted thought balloons together, and watch as they slowly float away into oblivion."

It is amazing once you are use to it, how peaceful things can get simply by listening to the sound of your own breath (life) entering and departing and the answers you get in this quiet time! No mountains, no gurus, just some quality quiet time. Love to hear the results you get when you try it. Comments on this site or at www.hopeserenity.ca appreciated!


 

Want A Useful Life?
Well, here I sit well into a new year. Over this period, I love to take time to reflect back, look at journals that go back many years, and appreciate the journey that has unfolded and what was the underlying motivation to take the journey I continue on.
To the headline question, the answer was a definite yes. I did want a useful life, a life with purpose that was not driven by the material. A life where I felt love for me and could reflect this in service to others, including family and friends.
While addictions had become part of my life, they were not, as I see it, the problem. Living was a problem and my addictions became an escape for me that stymied emotional growth and allowed me to escape how I felt inside. Many turn to other methods of escape that are not commonly seen as addictions, but are escapes from a life the individual feels is not "useful" as they define useful.
In dealing with my issues, and through the various influences that have helped me to recover a life I love today, I became a big fan of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" and the 12 step programme. Whether addicted or not, any human being who searches for a more useful life and wants to better apply good mental hygiene to their lives, can benefit from these tools, and I use the tools in how and what I coach. I openly acknowledge the gift freely given by those early AAs' to all of us. They are a cornerstone of my life today.
The following line from the "Big Book" of AA says it all as far as my own personal journey goes:

I have since been brought into a new way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before.
- Alcoholics Anonymous,  pp. 42-43

Over the time I have been on this journey, and to gain what I feel is a useful life, I have dramatically altered what my ideals are, and in taking the journey, have emerged with new attitudes towards life. Attitudes that help me to feel like I am living a useful life.
The principles of AA were freely given and have been adopted by 150 or more "fellowships" that are helping people create a useful life. As I listen to leading motivational experts and other "popular" authority figures -including Oprah and her spinoffs- I can close my eyes and hear the words and thoughts contained in the Big Book. The thinking is sound and works when learned and put into practice.
If you want a more useful life in 2010, this may be a start point for you.

Thought to Ponder . . .New ideals and new attitudes bring a new life. (www.hopeserenity.ca)


 

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SOME THOUGHTS ON RECOVERY COACHING

As with many of you, I have set some goals for myself for 2010. One of them is to be far more actively engaged in my life mission, and that is to be of service to others and to do my part in helping increase the rate of success in recovery.

I coach, plain and simple, and the results achieved by those I have worked with indicate a high success rate. I am not a therapist or addiction counsellor, I am a recovered addict professionally trained and experienced in coaching success. Folks, I can tell you from first hand knowledge, coaching is not well understood and I hope you find some enlightenment in this blog!

Each time I write anything relating to coaching I get blow back about self-promotion, money making, veering away from what is tried and true and the like. I accept that some feel this way. That being said, anyone who has taken the time to look through my site (www.hopeserenity.ca) will see the statement that no one is turned down for financial reasons. This has been, and will continue to be, a part of my practise. I ask no more, and often far less, than what was being spent on active addiction and operate as a not for profit.

I am an active member of a 12 step fellowship and have been for years. I work the steps as best I can on a daily basis and incorporate the steps into my coaching practise. Is there a healthier way for people to live? I work with people, who for whatever there reason, chose not to go to groups or need more. Their reasons for engaging a coach (as were mine) are their reasons. The ultimate goal is individual success. Whatever works is the RIGHT WAY for the individual that succeeds, and there is no ONE RIGHT WAY!!

A few things I do want to share because I think they might be important to some who read this. If not for them, then for someone they know.

-Addiction is a chronic relapsing disease. But does it have to be? When problems with alcohol and other drugs are characterized as chronic relapsing it is then considered normal to drink and drug again. It’s considered normal to go through detox and treatment again at great cost. Addiction may be a disease, but is it necessary to chronically relapse?

Recovery Coaches don’t think so. We believe that with the support of a coach people don’t have to relapse. That means they don’t have to experience loss of health, problems at work, disappointment of family, or problems with the law that often accompany relapse. They don’t have to bear the cost of repeated treatment. Recovery Coaching helps protect your investment in treatment by preventing relapse, and helps those who have relapsed prevent harm and get turned around.

Are you saying that there is a shift away from primary treatment? Not exactly. Many people who are experiencing addiction will need detox and treatment, but they will also need support when they get out. Crisis stabilization is not enough. There must be support after treatment—otherwise three out of four people typically relapse. That’s why the emphasis is shifting to recovery support. We all know that staying in recovery isn’t easy and that people with addictions often have complicated lives. That’s why having a Recovery Coach makes such a difference.  Whether you need help managing money or meds, Recovery Coaches help you stay in recovery and make recovery worth it.

What is Recovery Coaching like? It’s like having someone smart in your life that cares about you and believes in you and wants to help you with whatever is important to you. That could be getting a job, quitting smoking, doing something about food, sex, internet habits etc. Or finally exercising more, managing your money better, or getting out a relationship that no longer works, or doing something to have more fun. Recovery Coaches help you enjoy life and take care of things before they become stressful. So you aren’t in danger of relapse because you feel good about your life. It is a co-creative holistic approach to life.

Can you work with someone who is still using? Yes, if they can show up for the calls and take positive action between the calls. Recovery Coaches only take clients who we believe can benefit from coaching. We don’t diagnose nor offer treatment, but we do help clients get ready for treatment, or create a harm reduction plan, or face their life challenges when they come home from treatment.

 “I thought Recovery Coaching would be quite clinical. I would be the patient and the coach would work on “how to fix Jen.” It wasn’t like that. My coach helped me know that I have all the answers, and we are working together to come up with the best solutions for me. I like that my Recovery Coach understands my twisted scary brain and world and helps me with my beliefs and family. Having a coach is having someone who sees the best in you and roots for you but doesn’t buy your bullshit. Your coach knows what you are capable of and helps you become it. I’m surprised how useful coaching is. It applies to my family, my business, and my own self-esteem. It saves me grief because with my coach I troubleshoot and go over things before they come up. I avoid the pitfalls that way. I think everyone leaving treatment should have a Recovery Coach because we all need someone to walk with us down the dark scary road of recovery.”  —Jenifer B.

Clients like Recovery Coaching because it is strengths-based and very practical. We focus on what the client wants.

 “When I came out of rehab I knew I should be sober but I wasn’t completely accepting of it. I was worried that I wouldn’t have a social life, wouldn't have any fun and would lose all my friends. I relapsed for a while and then I got a Recovery Coach.

 At first I was very hesitant about having a coach because I didn’t want to be controlled; besides I already had a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was afraid that my coach would say, “You must do this.” Or “You must do that.” But it wasn’t like that—instead my coach helped me realize that I always have choice.

 My coach let me decide what I wanted to do and then helped me figure out how to do it. For me that was get a job and learn to manage money so I could live on my own. Coaching was actually helpful. Getting sober was easier the second time because I had focus (massage school). I would recommend coaching for someone in early recovery who wants to figure out ‘What now?’” —Sacha M.

 - I’m an addiction professional already and I don’t see how Recovery Coaching is going to fit in with what I already know. Most addiction professionals are trained to work with acute episodes of addiction in a treatment setting. But public funding and private money for treatment is drying up. Now all the talk is about recovery support. We now know that support must go beyond stabilization and we now know that abstinence is not enough. People want rewarding lives in recovery. That is what Recovery Coaches help with. We help make recovery worth it.

“At first I wasn’t sure I interested in Recovery Coaching training because I wasn’t sure what Recovery Coaching was. I thought I might be hanging out with celebrities or taking people to treatment. But Recovery Coaching isn’t like that. It turns out that it fits right down the middle with addiction counselling and what treatment centers do.

In Recovery Coaching my relationship with the client is very clear. It’s a simple one to one relationship. There are no outsiders that have their own expectations. It’s me helping my clients get support with what is important to them. I like that the client takes the lead in their own work. I don’t need to be an expert on every addiction topic or issue but instead I’m the expert in helping my clients get clarity about what’s important to them, in supporting them to take action, and in holding them accountable for what they say they want.

I find myself using the Recovery Coaching skills with my clients. Instead of telling my clients what we are going to cover I ask them what they want to talk about. Now they are coming with topics to coach about. I can see that coaching adds a new dimension to my counselling practice. My busy clients like the flexibility of Recovery Coaching. They can have their session over the phone or come see me face to face. I recommend the Crossroads Recovery Coaching training for other chemical dependency counsellors or addiction professionals. I’ve just finished the first module and I’m already excited about calling myself a Recovery Coach. ”  – Paul Lubben, LICDCD

-There are a lot of Recovery Coaches out there these days. Why chose Hope & Serenity? Unfortunately, most programs that call themselves recovery coaching programs aren’t really teaching you to co-create to live. They are addressing symptoms and not causes and take a cookie cutter approach. . Coaching at Hope & Serenity is 1 on 1, YOU focused, and done by a recovering addict who has a strong business and life background and who is a fully trained, experienced and accredited coaching professional.

-Why does it matter if a coach is credentialed? It matters because anyone can call himself or herself a Recovery Coach but that doesn’t mean they have been trained in coaching skills. For instance, some peer recovery support specialists call themselves Recovery Coaches because they have learned Motivational Interviewing. So it gets confusing. My training took eighty-six hours (it includes Motivational Interviewing and lots more) and I am credentialed by the International Coach Federation.

For those who have taken the time to read this, a sincere thank you. Recovery Coaching is a specialty and from experience, I can assure you, not a way to a huge material (monetary) windfall. It is a calling, and one must be dedicated to listening, learning and serving others. The reward is in the success of others.

If you think coaching may be for you, or you know others you think may benefit, please get in touch for a no obligation conversation. Confidentiality is always of upmost importance!