I am blessed to be acquainted with a great group of people who are involved in addiction recovery and helping others. Patrick Meninga who operates the web site www.spiritualriver.com is one of those people. Over the years, Patrick and I have collaborated on several pieces of work and we share many common beliefs. Both of us recognize the good work of 12 step programs; both of us believe that there are several options to the addicted to regain a fulfilling life that is addiction free. In the world of illness and disease, there is a process that is known as recovery. I fully believe that addictions are a (mental) disease and believe that to live without the disease being active, that a planned program of recovery is needed. Today I share an article from Patrick posted on April 2. I have taken the liberty to make minor edits and have added, in brackets, some personal comments. I think you will find this article of use IF you are interested in living a life free of mood altering addictions and behaviours. It is a fair question for anyone who is struggling with drug addiction or alcoholism: “Do you need a recovery program in order to recover?” Many people who are exposed to traditional recovery programs such as AA or NA are instantly turned off by them, for a variety of different reasons. For example, some addicts and alcoholics have a level of social anxiety that makes it extremely difficult for them to sit in a meeting, much less to participate in one.(For many of my clients, their work lives require a high degree of anonymity). Others may start out in a traditional program of recovery, only to have their growth plateau eventually while their recovery stagnates. What was supposed to be a lifetime solution for recovery lets them down because they do not actively push themselves to keep learning new things and growing in other areas of their lives. So in effect, many addicts and alcoholics who stay in such recovery programs experience common traps where by: * Safety and security in a familiar program and fellowship lead to complacency and potential relapse. * Strong faith in “the program” itself keeps the person from exploring new avenues of growth (such as fitness, nutrition, holistic health, etc.). * Those who get stuck in a rut and stop learning continue to attend the same support groups or meetings, where they are reassured that they are “on the right path.” (I know several I consider to have become addicted to their support group). * A sense of fear regarding relapse keeps people from leaving traditional recovery programs in order to seek their own solutions, which may be more effective for them in the long run. * Extreme faith and reverence is put in the program and we put ourselves down as being incapable as individuals. We dis-empower the self in order to stay humble and be accepted by our peers as having a healthy level of humility and caution regarding the possibility of relapse. In my own personal experience, I started my recovery by using a program of traditional recovery and attended 90 meetings in the first 90 days. However, by the end of 18 months I had stopped going to meetings entirely, and over a decade later I am still going strong without a traditional “program” in my life. (I still attend meetings, but as a part of service to others). My opinion is that there is nothing wrong with any recovery program, so long as it does not lead you into traps like the ones mentioned above. Anything that gets the struggling addict to take positive action is at least in the realm of being genuinely helpful. But in the long term you have to consider that most people fail to make the jump from short term to long term recovery. This means that: * Most addicts and alcoholics relapse before the end of their first year of recovery. Pretty much anyone can get by for a few months or so on raw willpower and social “12 step meeting speak” while hanging out at meetings every day. But look at the raw data and see how many are still clean and sober after the 12 month mark. Even AA World Services census data shows that 95% of newcomers leave completely the first year and never ever return (see figure C-1). Of those who stay, some even relapse but continue to stick around. · Short term recovery tactics do not translate well into long term recovery. Holistic health and personal growth become the tools used to overcome complacency in the long run. Really dig into the ideas used in most short term recovery solutions (outpatient treatment, counseling, 12 step meetings) and you will see that they do not push the idea of holistic health or personal growth all that much. No, the substance abuse community uses a certain set of ideas to help people sober up, and then their bottom line is simple “do more of that stuff!” in order to transition to a lifetime of recovery. Fail! · (Coaching looks at addictions as a symptom of a problem, and works with clients to set “life” goals that lead to a holistic balanced approach to daily living and encourages life long growth).
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I am blessed to be acquainted with a great group of people who are involved in addiction recovery and helping others. Patrick Meninga who operates the web site www.spiritualriver.com is one of those people. Over the years, Patrick and I have collaborated on several pieces of work and we share many common beliefs. Both of us recognize the good work of 12 step programs; both of us believe that there are several options to the addicted to regain a fulfilling life that is addiction free. In the world of illness and disease, there is a process that is known as recovery. I fully believe that addictions are a (mental) disease and believe that to live without the disease being active, that a planned program of recovery is needed. Today I share an article from Patrick posted on April 2. I have taken the liberty to make minor edits and have added, in brackets, some personal comments. I think you will find this article of use IF you are interested in living a life free of mood altering addictions and behaviours. It is a fair question for anyone who is struggling with drug addiction or alcoholism: “Do you need a recovery program in order to recover?” Many people who are exposed to traditional recovery programs such as AA or NA are instantly turned off by them, for a variety of different reasons. For example, some addicts and alcoholics have a level of social anxiety that makes it extremely difficult for them to sit in a meeting, much less to participate in one.(For many of my clients, their work lives require a high degree of anonymity). Others may start out in a traditional program of recovery, only to have their growth plateau eventually while their recovery stagnates. What was supposed to be a lifetime solution for recovery lets them down because they do not actively push themselves to keep learning new things and growing in other areas of their lives. So in effect, many addicts and alcoholics who stay in such recovery programs experience common traps where by: * Safety and security in a familiar program and fellowship lead to complacency and potential relapse. * Strong faith in “the program” itself keeps the person from exploring new avenues of growth (such as fitness, nutrition, holistic health, etc.). * Those who get stuck in a rut and stop learning continue to attend the same support groups or meetings, where they are reassured that they are “on the right path.” (I know several I consider to have become addicted to their support group). * A sense of fear regarding relapse keeps people from leaving traditional recovery programs in order to seek their own solutions, which may be more effective for them in the long run. * Extreme faith and reverence is put in the program and we put ourselves down as being incapable as individuals. We dis-empower the self in order to stay humble and be accepted by our peers as having a healthy level of humility and caution regarding the possibility of relapse. In my own personal experience, I started my recovery by using a program of traditional recovery and attended 90 meetings in the first 90 days. However, by the end of 18 months I had stopped going to meetings entirely, and over a decade later I am still going strong without a traditional “program” in my life. (I still attend meetings, but as a part of service to others). My opinion is that there is nothing wrong with any recovery program, so long as it does not lead you into traps like the ones mentioned above. Anything that gets the struggling addict to take positive action is at least in the realm of being genuinely helpful. But in the long term you have to consider that most people fail to make the jump from short term to long term recovery. This means that: * Most addicts and alcoholics relapse before the end of their first year of recovery. Pretty much anyone can get by for a few months or so on raw willpower and social “12 step meeting speak” while hanging out at meetings every day. But look at the raw data and see how many are still clean and sober after the 12 month mark. Even AA World Services census data shows that 95% of newcomers leave completely the first year and never ever return (see figure C-1). Of those who stay, some even relapse but continue to stick around. · Short term recovery tactics do not translate well into long term recovery. Holistic health and personal growth become the tools used to overcome complacency in the long run. Really dig into the ideas used in most short term recovery solutions (outpatient treatment, counseling, 12 step meetings) and you will see that they do not push the idea of holistic health or personal growth all that much. No, the substance abuse community uses a certain set of ideas to help people sober up, and then their bottom line is simple “do more of that stuff!” in order to transition to a lifetime of recovery. Fail! · (Coaching looks at addictions as a symptom of a problem, and works with clients to set “life” goals that lead to a holistic balanced approach to daily living and encourages life long growth).
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SPIRITUALITY-SOME THOUGHTS I work with people who simply put, want to make major change in their life. The reasons vary and may include addiction, abuse, stress, and depression. The common denominator is that the zest for life is not what they want and personal relationships are stressed or gone. Most of my clients do not love themselves. Life transformation and the recovery of the life you want is a process. My experience and learning tells me it is a holistic process and one that requires “outside expertise” to guide the journey. If we could fix ourselves then most of us would do so and if we could learn it from a self-help book, there would be far more joyful people in this world. The most challenging part of holistic transformation I find in working with others is getting them over the “spiritual” component. Most hear “religion” when the word spiritual is brought up. Some of those I coach may find a “spiritual” home in an organized religion; most don’t. While reading today, I came across an interesting definition of spirituality that I want to share. “Spirituality is…..the awareness that survival is a savage fight between you and yourself”. (Lisa S.) Most of us are aware of an inner struggle; I know as I faced the challenge of transforming my life, I certainly was. There is good reason that this struggle exists among many, and I gleaned a far better understanding of it while involved in a group study of Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and from reading his “The Power of Now”. From this study, I read words that helped me achieve clarity as to what was occurring inside of me and to understand why “spirituality” was so important to my life going forward. One simple thought I had to buy into to allow me to move forward- there is a great power at work in this world and that power is not me. I made a mess of the world that I tried to run which resulted in a number of things that could be filed under the general heading of “unhappiness”. Once I allowed myself to accept that there was a power greater than me at play in this world, my life was open to change. To survive in a better state of mind, I became very aware of the savage fight going on within. To get the life I wanted, and to get the courage to change, adding a conscious spiritual component to my life was essential, and the coaching I received was a life saver. If the hair on your neck bristled slightly when you saw the word spirituality; if that word made you flash (negatively) to the word religion or if you acknowledge the struggle for survival inside of you that Lisa S. refers to, let’s have a chat. Nothing ventured; nothing gained.
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Do you have an addiction problem? You’re reading this because you are looking for information about “addictions”. I address this to two groups of people in particular. * The person who thinks s/he has a problem.
* The person trying to drink/drug/behave in moderation. Many are here because deep down they think they might have a problem. Guess what? If you think you might have a problem with drugs or alcohol, chances are very high that you do. Some of you may be looking at how to do certain things in moderation. For you, my personal 25 years of research proved to me there are certain things I could not do in moderation. So, to these two groups of people: there are certain activities you are involved in that try as you might, you just can’t stop doing them. They are at a point where they’re having a negative impact on you and likely those around you. You’ve tried cold turkey, read and done many other things to no avail. You just can’t stop. So why? What prevents you to stop smoking, drinking or taking drugs? Well, I’ll share from personal experience… and my experience has been validated by hundred’s of others I’ve worked with. In every case, it’s not exactly the same, but you will be able to relate. 1. Denial fuels addiction At first I couldn’t stop because I was in denial that my addiction was a problem let alone an addiction. I’m a strong person and do not consider myself to be of weak character and lacking in will power. If I had a problem, then I was sure I could fix it myself. Remember the Bible, as I recall, says something about “physician heal thy self”. Over time, signs within me and feedback from others were persistent enough that I started to really wonder if there was a problem. This was the first step of over coming denial and accepting my addictions may be real. Continued research taught me that not only could I not carry out my addictions in moderation, but I was not able to “fix them myself”. 2. Reliance on self keeps you in the problem Another old saying, anyone who has themselves for their lawyer has a fool for a client”, and for a period I was the fool. Simply put, I learned that I had a problem and could not fix it myself and if it were going to be fixed, I had to swallow my pride and ask for help. As addiction treatment evolves, the role of “support” comes more and more to the forefront as a key ingredient to successful recovery. If you read the mission statement of Addiction Blog, you’ll learn that there is no one way to address your addictions, and there are options as to the help available. Read the contributions that have been made on this site and learn of the options and know that “addiction treatment” is very slowly changing. Know also that a vast majority of family physicians know very little about treatment and addiction. They do see the physical results. Get help that works for you from a source that knows the issue intimately. How to get out of the addiction trap I believe that “specialized support” is a key ingredient for all who want contented freedom from their addictions. “Support” is one of the reasons that coaching is being used more and more by the addicted- either as their primary help point in addressing addiction, as a supplement to other recovery options (12 step groups, counselling) or as the primary support following residential treatment. It is a viable option and I am pleased that the success rate of my carefully chosen clients is very high. So you can’t stop?…reach out for help I hope you have a better appreciation of why you can’t and what you have to process to begin real recovery. Action and asking for help are the keys. I encourage your comments and the suggestions you may have as to topics you’d like addressed from a coaches perspective. Until next week. Live today! Keith (contact www.hopeserenity.ca) Photo credit: Shifteye
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DOES IT STILL PLAY FORWARD? The biggest limiting factor in many lives today is the past, plain and simple. In the “co-creative process of life recovery” that I deeply believe in, a huge part of the coached journey is taking a very hard and detailed look at the past and fully getting things that are buried within externalized. In my journey, I found for me, the biggest limitations that were preventing me from having the abundant life I deserved were limitations that were ingrained in me when I was young. Another good idea from my mentor Dr. Randin Brons in his “Idea Engineer” this week on this subject. Please read and reflect. The past in the present "If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you." -- Louise Hay
Pick one aspect of your life, e.g. your health, your competence, your prosperity or relationships, and think back to when you were a child. What messages about this subject did you hear from adults at that time that are still playing on your subconscious tape recorder? Messages like: "Men can't be trusted." "Money doesn't grow on trees." "You're not smart enough to succeed in business."
How is your world reflecting your beliefs back to you, today?
"There are no limitations to the self except those you believe in." -- Seth
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A DUCK? WHO ME? One of the joys of living in the times we do is the internet. It gives us a huge access to information and people. Through the site www.myrecoveryspace.com, I have had the good fortune of befriending Dennis S. in the California desert. Dennis writes a lot of things I can relate to and learn from. But it is the way he “paints a picture” that I really love. Today, I’ll see if I’ve learned anything from Dennis. Today I see a picture done in bright pastels on a very white background. The sky is blue with fluffy clouds, there are green hills and wild flowers surrounding a calm lake, and alone on the lake is a duck swimming in what appears to be a very relaxed manner but moving with no apparent destination. Funny, I often see this picture when talking with others, particularly those who I know have trouble but want the world to see a person just swimming along. A person in denial. Words from the well known Richard Cardinal Cushing frame my picture. “When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck”. I know that Cushing would see me as a duck, and for many years, I was the duck that appears in my mental picture. A duck just swimming along in an idyllic setting just constantly moving aimlessly forward. What you don’t see in my picture, nor did you see in my life, was what was going on beneath the surface and in the head. To move forward, I was thrashing my legs as hard as I could. It was exhausting and quite out of control, but it was the only way I thought I could make progress, and I didn’t want those looking on to know how hard I was working and to realize how out of control things were. All this thrashing under the surface and no real idea of where I was going. And the head- wow- what a theatre was going on in there. I saw eagles, but try as I might I couldn’t soar with them. I just wasn’t equipped. There was no clear vision of where I was going and certainly no acceptance of what I was. Pictures can be deceiving. Today I appreciate being a duck, but a duck with purpose and I’m fine with it. I am loved and there are truly perils if I act like an eagle. When I run into other ducks, I can tell very quickly what they are. I know rapidly how much thrashing is going on under the surface because I can feel the vibrations. I get a very good sense of what’s going on in the head because I understand quacking. The picture to the outside world may look lovely. If the duck you see is at peace, then it is lovely. If the duck you see is struggling and is denying it’s a duck, it will be swallowed up. Take a little time to see yourself in the picture. Are you a duck and what is going on beneath the surface and in the head where those looking from the shore can’t see? If you can relate and want to talk with a duck who loves life as a duck, then give me a shout. Possibly from one duck to another I can help you find a smoother, less exhausting life. (Keith, www.coached-to-success.com or www.hopeserenity.ca).
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Self Esteem Continued To me, self esteem is the most important possession a human being can have. We were born innocent, and the lowering of self esteem occurred through life experiences and over time. They key point, we were born with self esteem and it still exists within all of us, but with many, it is driven deep into the subconscious and must be “relocated”. Please read a quote from an “Idea Engineer” piece written by my friend and mentor Dr. Randin Brons: “The basis for having a strong sense of self-esteem is to replace our unconscious idea of basic unworthiness with a conscious knowing of our fundamental inherent goodness. As Matthew Fox argues in Original Blessing, the notion of 'original sin' must be replaced with the truth of 'original blessing.'
Being in touch with our essential goodness, we can see the essential goodness in others as well.” "Beliefs separate. Loving thoughts unite." -- Paul Ferrini Why do people seek coaches or other methods of self improvement? Above is the true answer. I have not worked with a person in my coaching practise or in “service” work that has started the process with even reasonable self esteem on a conscious level. A goal with just about everyone I work with to re-establish a loving relationship with self. From there, anything is possible. Without healthy self esteem the future has major limitations.
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THE FACE in the MIRROR On of the greatest compliments I have ever had from a client is that in our relationship, I was a great mirror for him. The mirror is an inexpensive tool all those seeking improved self esteem have at their disposal. It is a tool I often make a primary one in working with others. Why? Read on from a great article just published in his “Idea Engineer” by my mentor and friend, Dr. Randin Brons. The face in the mirror "Our inability to see beauty doesn't suggest in the slightest that beauty is not there. Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with broad enough perspective to see the beauty." -- Rabbi Harold Kushner
Who are you? You can gaze at your reflection in a mirror but you're not likely to see your true likeness. You are beautiful, unique, perfect. Do you see that?
The world needs you to see how whole and complete you are -- now. Can you begin to own your divinity? The world needs you to know who you really are so you can be the mirror for others.
"I do only want to advise you to keep growing quietly and seriously throughout your whole development; you cannot disturb it more rudely than by looking outward and expecting from outside replies to questions that only your inmost feeling in your most hushed hour can perhaps answer." -- Rainer Maria Rilke
"The sun shines not on us but in us. The rivers flow not past, but through us, thrilling, tingling, vibrating every fiber and cell of the substance of our bodies, making them glide and sing." -- John Muir Need some help to gain the perspective to see the beauty in you? That’s what coaching is about. Learn how to see through the mirror to that divine you. Let the sun shine brilliantly “In” you. (www.coached-to-success.com and www.hopeserenity.ca).
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Holistic Living-Spiritual Awakening For something to have an “AWAKENING”, it must have been asleep. Now isn’t that the most brilliant thing you’ve ever read. For me, I made the changes in my life for one big reason, to live abundantly with peace with in. I was an unhappy person and knew that there was a positive option. I had no real idea on how to realize the option. After trying to figure it out and fix it on my own without real success, I sought and got help. Change was hard but I did the work, was active with my teachers and did the work assigned and got results. I was put on a path and have stayed on it. While I did have issues like addiction, promiscuity and dishonesty at play in my life, they were not the problem; they were contributing factors. For me, I have found a holistic approach to change worked. Mental, physical and spiritual; each area interdependent on the other. Spiritual scares the heck out of many. SPIIRITUAL IS NOT RELIGIOUS, although many I know have had a spiritual awakening and found a religion of choice. That has not been my personal experience-YET. I try to seldom say never. I have had a SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. I respect anyone who has spiritual beliefs and puts then INTO PRACTICE. It could be as simple as practicing the golden rule through behaviour. I believe we are all born with a “spiritual” component inside. Look at history, from earliest history of man there has been an acknowledgement of and a search for some type of higher power and at certain times, following multiple higher powers. It is with us all. Simply put, for a long time, I, by choice, allowed my spirituality to go to sleep. I intentionally ignore it. I did not feed or nurture it. Funny, I always at one level or another knew it was there. I did have a spiritual awakening and for me it was a direct result of something said by a coach, then followed up on through a face to face meeting. Something came back to life. For many years now I have cherished it, kept in touch with it and nurtured it. It continues to grow. Ironically as the more interaction I have with it, the better my life gets. I would not have the abundant life I have today without having had a spiritual awakening and making the “spiritual” an integral part of my daily balanced living. So you want happiness, abundance, serenity and all those good things in your life that you have not got enough of today. Try a balanced, holistic approach to living, get help, do the work and bask in the results. If you’re spiritually asleep today, be sure to make an “awakening” an important part of your journey. It is a big key! (www.coached-to-success.com or www.hopeserenity.ca)
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IS ADDICTION A DISEASE? I certainly have my own thoughts on this question. Understanding the “disease” nature of addiction, because it gave me peace of mind, saved my life. Trust me; I’m not trying to be dramatic. From being free of active addiction for over 16 years, I know that the disease can be kept in remission. It took action on my part to get to the place where things are in remission. I belong to several professional “discussion groups” and offer you the following from one of them: “Addiction is best conceptualized as a chronic brain disorder. As such, it cannot be cured but it can be managed. Comparing addiction to other chronic conditions such as diabetes, hypertension or asthma, McLellan (2002) noted the many similarities in the etiology, course, treatment and treatment outcomes across chronic conditions. However, more than (or perhaps unlike) any other chronic condition, active addiction has deleterious consequences on almost all areas of functioning (physical and mental health, family and social functioning, employment and education, housing, legal status, and overall well-being). Abstinence from drugs and alcohol is likely a prerequisite to improvement in other life domains, but it rarely brings instant relief (Vaillant, 1995). Addicted individuals who address abstinence alone are unlikely to maintain that abstinence for a prolonged period. Individuals need to address “recovery” in the multiple life domains affected by active addiction. Note: For many, the term ‘recovery’ used to denote regaining something that was lost, is a misnomer as relates to ‘externals’ (materials possessions or status). Rather, a recurring theme among persons in recovery is that what is regained is an identity (a self) and a potential that were lost to addiction (Laudet, 2007).
Unlike other chronic conditions, focusing only on the pathology of addiction (symptoms) leads to stigma that translates into discriminatory policies against those who have overcome the disease and represents many obstacles to rebuilding lives— such as in housing, education, labor markets, etc. Many individuals emerge from active addiction with co-occurring mental or physical health conditions that also carry stigma (most notably mental health issues and HIV/AIDS). Many individuals who have overcome active addiction experience enduring shame and guilt about the impact their past substance use had on loved ones and on society. This may result in “spiritual malaise,” depression, and related negative emotions that can hinder recovery. These secondary symptoms of active addiction must be addressed as part of the recovery process. Would a diabetic experience relief from his/her condition by undertaking a “searching fearless moral inventory” (4th step)? Would a hypertensive consider the need to make amends (9th step) for actions taken when s/he was symptomatic? Yet, many individuals in recovery from addiction worldwide do so in the context of working the 12-step recovery program. Thus, while addiction shares many characteristics with other chronic conditions, it also has a number of unique features that require attention when seeking to elucidate and promote stable remission (recovery).” -
from RESEARCH BRIEF • JANUARY 2009 Compiled by: Alexandre Laudet, PhD, National Development and Research Institutes, Inc. Edited by : Michael T. Flaherty, PhD, Institute for Research, Education and Training in Addictions and Debra Langer, MSc, MPA, Institute for Research, Education and Training in Addictions
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A Dilemma-“WANT” vs. “NEED” Things are said and life issues sometimes converge, and really cause the mind to ponder. I have just gone through a situation like that, and it relates to work life/career equally to life recovery, life transformation and getting addiction help. There is a huge difference between want and need. Please read on and I think you’ll understand. It may well help you to better understand the results you get and actions you take. I will try to keep this concise. I have found at this current time of my life I can get bored. I love my coaching practise, but to be honest, I am not getting enough work to keep me fully engaged mentally. Financially I don’t have to work, mentally I need to be challenged and feeling productive. Summers are good; I love golf. Winters in Canada are long and cold. The golf ball doesn’t roll far in the snow! I look into and trained for a commission job interfacing with people. I tried it, liked the people I met, but quickly realized I would not make any net money; that, and my personality was not a fit for their system. I could not colour within their lines and their lines had no flex. Over this period, I took an older “recovery” friend to the doctor. She had successfully worked commission jobs all her life and I shared my dilemma with her. She quickly told me my problem was want versus need- and boy did that make me think and then understand how right she was. In the work situation, I genuinely wanted to do the job and do it well. When it became apparent that the job wasn’t quite as I had understood it to be, I wasn’t prepared to do the proverbial “go to any lengths” to make lousy money. While I wanted to work, my financial situation dictated, I didn’t have to run all over the country doing appointments that weren’t reasonably qualified. Because of a lack of “need” for money, I have given up the job. If I were in a position that I needed the job to eat, I would have continued in it, and eventually eked out my commission. With some other issues that I am involved in, I certainly see a parallel. I run into many people who want to change their lives and for all the right reasons. I don’t run into that many who see the need to change their lives. It becomes a “nice to do” as opposed to a “need to do”. Guess what, most of those that just “want”, and are not prepared to do the hard work to make change fail. As an example, the success rate of people who sample traditional addiction recovery methods fail about 90% of the time. The same is true of people who longingly want to gain self-esteem. Why is it that the success rate of people who put skin in the game is so much higher? Does the extra commitment increase need? In my work life I guarantee results with a few qualifiers, (client honesty, client does assigned work, keeps appointments). To date, I’ve never been asked for a refund. I get a lot of flack from people who tell me I charge for what is given away. Obviously, with a success rate much higher than those who get it for free, including from myself, my clients have a “need”, not just a “want”. I don’t care how people succeed, for those who want a better life I honestly hope they find it; I love those who need; they succeed if they go to any lengths. I thank my friend for her patient explanation of “need” versus “want” to me. The work example I’ve paraphrased shows how it has impacted me. How is “need versus “want” impacting your success and progress today?
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THE IMPORTANCE OF RESPECT in RECOVERY Quotes about respect When I was asked to do an article on respect, my thoughts immediately flashed to Aretha Franklin’s 1967 theme for the feminist movement- “R.E.S.P.E.C.T”.- which upon examination of the lyrics, tells us that she will do anything in return for respect. Respect is very important to each of us! (I was surprised to learn the song was written and first recorded by a man-Brook Benton in 1965.) That the song was recognized as the “anthem” for major social change emphasizes how important respect is to living an abundant life. Again in my research, I looked for famous quotes that relate to respect. The one most often cited is by Stacey Charter who is known for being quotable: “Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” Respect impacts every addict In working with the varied client base I do, there is a word that has to be addressed with each and every person no matter what their issue. The word is RESPECT and it impacts relationship with others, but most importantly, it impacts your relationship with that most important person, YOU. How can you give to others what you haven’t got for yourself? If you believe that you should do on to others as you would have them do on to you, why do you do the things you do to yourself? How to define respect? When talking about a word, I like to make sure we’re all on the same page. I turn to Webster’s for clarity. Webster’s defines respect as “the special esteem or consideration in which one holds another person or thing”. Good enough? Now let’s add respect for self, or self-respect, into the hopper. Have you got it? Apply respect of self to your life You are here to focus on addiction. That you’re here is a statement in itself. I would strongly suggest you may want to give some serious thought to respect – the respect you have for yourself and others. If you “over indulge” in behaviour that might be considered by some as addictive, what are you saying about your own level of self respect? And if you can’t respect you, truly, how can you respect others? As Stacey says, “make the changes that you see fit” and do it for you. Please go back and look at the Webster’s definition and then apply it to your own life. Is there something lacking? In working with others, I coach a holistic approach focused on balanced living, the practise of good mental, physical and spiritual hygiene. The start point is learning respect for self, and it is an absolute necessity for anyone who truly wants a life filled with peace and serenity, a life with hope. Without respect for self, how can you expect the respect of others, something we all aspire to? When it comes to addiction and recovery, I do not think there is a one size fits all solution. I do believe addiction must be “holistic” but to be blunt, I don’t think recovery is the exclusive property of 12 step groups. That I am a member of a 12 step group tells you something, but I have worked with 100’s who have recovered without going in a meeting room. I coach people to success and work with them for the recovery that they can get. Next week, join me and let’s continue on with this topic. If you think that “respect” might be an issue in your life, and you want to take some action, I’ll share some simple things you might try. Share your comments and I’ll read them all and try to address your issues from my perspective next week. (www.hopeserenity.ca or www.coched-to-success.com)
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Life Out of Whack? H.A.L.T. Today is February 9, 2011 and it is mental health awareness day in Canada. A reminder to all, 20% of the total population suffers from a “mental health” issue in their life. Be aware of it, and if you are in that 20%, have the courage to seek help. There are no negatives attached to issues IF you deal with them! "This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."
~ Charlie Brown Been feeling a little out of balance lately, just not yourself and a little “down”? A simple check list. If you can relate, check your H.A.L.T. behaviours. H…ungry. Watch your eating. Skipping meals throws the body chemistry out of whack, can make us cranky and depressed. Clinicians tell us eating small quantities 6 times a day is ideal. A…ngry. None of us can afford to carry anger with us. Internalizes it causes all kinds of negative things including stress and harmed relationship. Learning to deal in a healthy way with anger is a learned skill. Step 1, don’t stuff it inside of you; find a safe place to share. L…onley. It is said “no man/woman is an island”, and it is all true! We’re human, we require contact with other humans. If you find your self isolating, or really wanting to isolate at all, you have a warning sign; reach out and get help. T…red. How often do you let yourself get too tired and pay the price? It might just manifest itself in feeling sorry for ourselves. We ALL require 6-8 hours of sleep daily and there is nothing wrong with “power naps”; in fact quite the opposite. If you can’t sleep properly, go get the help you need starting with your MD. To many, these things are common sense. But how are you in practise? Want some help with your “life balance", email me at info@coached-to-success.com or khbray@hopeserenity.ca and by return email I’ll send you a “daily” check list for balanced living. You will not be “pitched” or put on an email list, this I promise. The list combats H.A.L.T. and for me, balanced living did not come easy. And remember, mental illness affects 20% of the population. Learn and practise good mental hygiene and don’t be embarrassed!
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KNOW YOUR DREAM You've got to create a dream. You've got to uphold the dream.
If you can't, go back to the factory or go back to the desk.
--Eric Burdon Way back when, back when I made a decision to go into the “people helping” business as a profession, I had a dream. I formulated the dream through guided study and guided reflection. The first ad I put together for my new business revolved around the “Create a dream” theory and then making it happen. I believe as much today as I did back then; as Burdon states, create and uphold (make it happen) the dream or go back to the factory or something mundane and get to work on creating! We develop goals, priorities, and action steps. We feel energized and ready to move full speed ahead. But midway, as our momentum picks up, new thoughts enter our mind. Do I really want this? What if it creates new problems for me? If I reach this goal, I'll have nothing to look forward to. Do you recognize these thoughts?
Not “going for it” is crippling. These thoughts are the ego's way of looking for obstacles. We acknowledge the doubts and then quickly cast them aside and move forward with complete conviction, like a warrior. If the goal still feels right, we keep moving ahead. We know in our hearts that doing what we believe in keeps us on the right path. Many need a place to be heard; a place where someone who is non-judgemental will listen to our dreams and probe. If the dream is still alive, we need a plan and most important, we need to be encouraged as we hit walls and need to be held accountable for our progress. I can tell you, I needed these things.
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WANT A SHOT OF HOPE? (How’s Your Spiritual Life?) Someone sees that word “spiritual” and the mind says “oh no, more religious crap”. That someone, back then, was me. For those who are familiar with my blogs, you’ll know I like simplicity and often turn to the good book written by Mr. Webster to get definitions I can understand. It puts us all on a level playing field. Today’s word is HOPE. I talk to so many people who tell me their life is lacking in “HOPE” and they want more. So my Webster’s tells me hope means “a confident expectation that a desire will be fulfilled”; “something one longs to see realized”. Good enough for me. I believe that we all should have hope in our lives and hope should be for positives. Funny, I have an aged mother who hopes to die soon; I don’t think this is what those I generally talk to mean. While death for her would be, in her mind, better than where she is at, most hope for things to get better in more traditional ways! So you are down on your “hope” and would like a shot of it? Let me give you a place to look. Ever question your sanity? Maybe we all should. If you really try, you can look at where you’re at and find something positive. It might be something as simple as the ability to draw breath. Those lacking hope are generally stuck in a dark place and have lost self-respect, self-confidence and regrettably self-love. Is this a sane place to be at? Why dwell in a negative place without hope? Listen deeply to what goes on inside of you. What makes you seek this elusive thing called hope? A tough question, but guess what? There is definitely something that tells you things can get better. If you connect with it, they will get better. So here we sit without enough hope, maybe even feeling despair, and we have this voice inside saying I want more hope. Please listen to it and nurture it. It is there to be heard and acted upon. This my friend is spirituality at its simplest, and if listened to and acted upon, you will be filled with new hope. We were all meant to live that way; with hope. With hope you get its partner, some well deserved peace. So I started this random thinking with a question- “Do you want a shot of hope?” I’ve suggested to you a place to look to get that shot, and in holistic terms, it is building a small portion of “spirituality” into your life to help you increase personal sanity.
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SELF AWARE As I went through life, I lost a sense of who I was; I was not aware of certain behaviour patterns and thought patterns that were occurring in my life. I certainly was aware of the patterns of others that I was in frequent contact with, and as we all know, sometimes the behaviours of those we know well become predictable to us. However, I had lost the ability to predict my own behaviour and at 46, had no idea of who I was. A very sad thing that I think many, if honest, can relate to. As a thought provoker, I offer you an “Idea Engineer” from my coaching mentor, Randin Brons. It was only through coaching that I was lead to a place where I truly became self aware and understood to a large degree who I was and also why I got to the place I did. Learn to be aware "You can live a lifetime and, at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself."
-- Beryl Markham
Who am I? To answer this, we must first learn to become more aware of ourselves. To be aware, we must STOP and PAY ATTENTION! We need to STOP and objectively watch ourselves in action.
We live most of our lives by habit. These habits keep us stuck in patterns that limit our experience of life. Once we detect a pattern we were previously unconscious of, we can choose differently, if we want. With awareness comes choice and with choice, we gain freedom. "To be authentic is literally to be your own author ..., to discover your own native energies and desires, and then to find your own way of acting on them." -- Warren G. Bennis
"Self-knowledge is the great power by which we comprehend and control our lives." -- Vernon Howard” Simply put, if you believe you may be in a “stuck pattern”, you likely are. If you want “authenticity” back in you life, want to understand your habits and patterns consider coaching as a start point. You may well regain choice and freedom. Don’t continue on in life without really knowing you. There is a person there that you will truly learn to love! (www.hopeserenity.ca www.coached-to-success.com )
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FISHING POLE-FOOD FOR LIFE Yesterday, I had posted something that asked for input and answers to a couple of specific questions. I am still looking for more input, and thanks to those of you who did respond. I got one great reminder and I have to remember it, and it may be a great reminder for you to. I love to help people. I can be guilty at times of trying to “fix” their surface problem. This depends on the “role” I am playing in the person’s life. The great reminder was a parable. If a person is hungry, give them a fish and they will be fed today. Give them a fishing rod and they will be fed for life. (Not an exact quote for those who are perfectionists) This, in its way, talks about holistic change. I was given some fish way back when, and I was OK for the short hall. Eventually someone took the time to understand me, show me how to construct and use a fishing rod, and now, when I take action, I am no longer hungry. I guess I want to be in the fishing pole business. I hate giving away fish over and over!
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LIFE ON THE MERRY-GO-ROUND I’m generally not a computer pack rat, and tend to keep my inbox, sent and so on with little stuff in them. That being said, every now and again I hold on to something which I’ve read and intuitively know it is going to be very real on an upcoming day. Below is something I received back in very early September. I was aware that it was there, and in talking with a couple of clients today, it reminded me to look back and share. Once again the passage happens to be from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and dates back to the late 1930’s, but funny, it is as true today as it was back then. For those many, who do not have a problem with drinking, substitute any issue you want following the words “most basic problem: my ____________ and myself. “Merry-go-round” “I began to feel like a clown juggling too many balls. Each ball represented a problem I was keeping up in the air. My arms were weary and I knew I couldn't keep on much longer, but I was not about to give up. My pride and ego wouldn't let me. Bosses, judges, co-workers, lawyers, car notes, bar tabs, loan sharks, utility payments, landlords, my girlfriend, people I had double-crossed -- I looked to all these as the source of my problems, while overlooking the most basic problem: my drinking and myself. I'd known for a long time that I desperately wanted off this merry-go-round, but I had no idea how to do it.” - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 506 I do well remember when personally, and certainly talked with a couple of people today, who could have had the same quote, give or take a word or two! Can you relate to the passage? If you can relate, want to get off the “Merry-go-round” that is your life today, but don’t know how, please get in touch. I have been fortunate to work with hundreds of others who after a conversation have found some answers to the question how- and there is no one size fits all. Please feel free to get in touch here or through khbray@hopeserenity.ca. It may just be time you spend that helps you to know how to get off your merry-go-round permanently. (On www.coached-to-success.com or www.hopeserenity.ca)
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SIMPLE QUESTIONS-WOULD APPRECIATE RESPONSES You are a person who uses the internet for a purpose. You are at this sight and reading this. I am sincerely seeking answers to a couple of questions because I honestly don’t have any where near all the answers. Your honest response would be appreciated and I promise; you won’t be put on any lists. Your responses will help change lives positively and will not be shared but used to enhance my knowledge. 1. Do you feel that you have a life that you are content with? 2. Do you know what a “happy” life would look like or feel like? 3. If NO to either, honestly, what holds you back from change? I am trying to do a better job at reaching people who want to change. If you can afford the time, I’d love to know in as much detail as you care to give: 1. Have you experienced coaching? If yes what was the outcome? 2. What do you think life coaching is? 3. What would you need to know to even talk with a life coach? Appreciate all the input I can get to better target my efforts and serve others. Answers will be picked up when you comment here or they can be emailed to khbray@hopeserenity.ca. Thanks in advance, you’ve helped somebody today!
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HOLISTIC? /SPIRITUAL? WHOA I love to think that the huge positive changes in my life over the past 16 years or so have been holistic and as part of this, there has been a “spiritual awakening” (like brought out of a spiritual coma) as a part of what has happened. Let’s go to Webster’s for a couple of accepted definitions. Holistic: treatment of the whole organism; not just the symptoms of a disease. Spiritual: relating to or concerned with the soul or spirit (opp; TEMPORAL) In working with others that want to make big changes in their lives, I believe in a holistic approach that does involve treating not just the symptoms. If bad self –esteem, poor relationships, addictions, poor career results, a need to control, and so on are the visible, what is behind them? You can fix what you can see, but the problems likely will reoccur if you don’t address the much deeper cause. A part of each and everyone one of us is a soul or spirit. When many see the word “spiritual” they immediately relate to thoughts of religion and in many cases, a “God” thing they have turned off years ago for whatever reason. A part of a holistic approach is dealing with “spiritual”, but as defined above. There is no conflict with a person’s lack of religious beliefs or with any religious beliefs they may hold. In working with people to help them get out of a rut and move forward, it is important that a person recognize that feeling or voice inside that has made them feel uncomfortable at times or really question their own behaviour. This is “spiritual” in nature. What is that “quiet still voice” inside that questions you? To live a life that is in keeping with what you really want for yourself, you must develop new life skills and a “toolbox” of useful habits and behaviours that allow you to progress. These are “learned”. Not any differently than how any high performer approaches improvement. So what is the point of all this? My experience tells me that a holistic approach to life change (recovery, transformation) must deal with the whole you and contain a “spiritual” element. To succeed, you must find a new “balance” in your life. To desire change, what you are doing now is obviously not working. Most I work with are not alcoholics, yet I do draw on a lot of the things that 12 step programmes offer. They gave me a part of the solution to my own issues. Here is a quote that may fit you, put anything you want in where AA is mentioned. “An AA member needs more than physical capabilities; he needs the use of his full faculties as a human being to hear the message, to think about it, to review the effects of the past to realize, to admit, and to accept. These processes are activities of the mind, which is part of the spirit.” - Came To Believe . . ., p. 3 Does this article create some questions in you? Do you want to make changes that you have failed to do or procrastinate about? Do you need to develop new tools in your “life skills” toolbox? Do you want success? Do you want to talk about “holistic” and/or “spiritual”?
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Stay Positive/Reduce Stress Sorry for this lead in to be self-serving, but if I can’t promote myself a bit for the right reasons, then what can I promote? Many will get help from the information. For a number of years I have been coaching individuals. I blog on a regular basis with a primary purpose of offering ideas and thoughts to help people reach the personal goals they want in their lives. I have put a lot of thought and writing against “addictions”, an area I love to work in. My work and writings have been found on www.hopeserenity.ca - an “addictions” focused web site. Most of the clients I coach are not addicts, but people stuck in ruts that need a push to get out of them. I am please that I have a new site up, www.coached-to-success.com, which is focused entirely on life skills; the skills you need to help you get out of a rut. I help people to build a “living tool” box so that they are better equipped to deal with life. For those that are going to knock, I charge on what a person can afford and oft times that is nothing! I will be posting a series of articles on www.coached-to-success.com not specifically addiction related as well as e-books free to all, and all geared to life skills and “how to” in dealing with life on life’s terms. The following is the first of a series: Staying Positive and Reducing Stress in a Fast Paced World Staying Positive and Reducing Stress in a Fast Paced World People are constantly working to make real improvements in the world. New waves of communication and better technology have lead to increased life spans and seemingly better lives. While there are many positives when it comes to modern life, the downside is that sometimes people try to cram too many things into one day. In this fast paced world, stress may get the better of you and you might have trouble looking on the bright side. Scheduling Downtime You may feel like you should always be doing something productive. However, taking care of yourself is ultimately the most productive thing you can do. When you'vegiven yourself proper rest and permission to do whatever you want once in awhile, you'll bebetter able to focus great efforts on the other things in your life that matter. People that schedule downtime for themselves clearly have lower stress levels. Allow yourself a proper amount of time for rest. Get 6-8 hours of sleep at night and avoid the temptation to stay up doing something else with that time. You should also allow yourself a portion of the day where you get to do whatever you want. Even when time is short, let yourself enjoy a few minutes of total relaxation sometimeduring the day to rejuvenate. Scheduling proper downtime also gives you time for reflection. When you reflect on your life, you can concentrate on the meaning of it all. You'll be more likely to truly enjoy your journey. It's so easy to let life pass you by if you don't take some time to reflect. 1 Concentrating On Attitude Thinking positively is something you can choose to do regardless of your circumstances in life. Everyone struggles with it from time to time, and you owe it to yourself to focus on having a positive attitude. A positive attitude is the foundation for a good life. Your outlook will allow you to enjoy all the craziness and will equip you to deal with the stressful parts. When negative thinking creeps up, just think about the things that are going right. You can also visualize how it'll feel when things turn around for the better. Keeping Up In a fast paced life, you can definitely take certain steps to slow your life down, but you can also work on being able to keep up! Make a list of the areas where you're having trouble balancing. Brainstorm actions that you can take to improve your ability to cope. For example, if you struggle to complete your tasks at work, see what you can do to fix this challenge. Maybe you can do one of your projects more efficiently. Perhaps you can rearrange your schedule to take care of the more stressful tasks first, leaving the least stressful for the end of the day when you're ready to unwind. Dealing with Stress Stress in your day-to-day life is nearly unavoidable. However, it's how you deal with the stress that counts. It's important for you to not let it build up, or it could lead to greaterissues in the long run. Do what you can to relieve your stress in a healthy way. Work on relaxation and breathing techniques. If you're more socially inclined, venting to a close friend can help you deal with stress. As long as you're doing something to relieve your stress, you'll be able to jump back into your faced paced life with a positive attitude. Just because the world we live in is hectic, it doesn't mean that your life needs to be that way also. When you use these tips, you'll find it a lot easier to remain positive and enjoy a stress-free life.
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GARBAGE REMOVAL-READY? There are so many that balk along the trail at the word GOD. I was one of them because of experiences I had at the hands of people within a structured religion. As have many before me, I did have to find a Higher Power, something greater than the conscious me to get holistic recovery. Today I can fully appreciate how spiritually bankrupt I was back in those dark days of 1994. Today I walk in the light, not of a higher power that I found in church, but one I found in me and you and all around me. I believe things do not happen by accident. I think it is great when people find “a religion” that works for them. I’ve got Good Orderly Direction (GOD) from a higher power that works for me and for that I am grateful. When I am open, I am freely given good orderly direction in measures I had not experienced before! Why this explanation? In my next big step, I was asked to have faith; something that was very new to me. Were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.-Step6/12 Steps On first blush, this appeared to be a no brainer. Upon reflection, there is more to this than at first appeared. By this stage of the journey, I had found a higher power that I could feel and even trust some. I had not had a drink or used in a while, and I had no cravings to do so. This had started to happen when I decided to turn things over. In having god remove all my defects of character, would this not make me perfect? And I always tongue in cheek remember what happened to the only perfect person I had read about. Upon reflection, I realized that there were none of the defects that had been identified in my recent recovery work that I would mind having removed. I could well live without them. If it were my higher powers will for me, or if I could abdicate from self- will, then that would be great. My trust level and faith were at a point I was ready. Nothing in the step says that my higher power would wave a wand and poof, all defects would be gone. Having things entirely removed is a perfect ideal. From what I had witnessed, it likely would not come to be 100%, but if it did, I was ready. I was one of the fortunate ones. I had no defects I would not be prepared to give up. Some I know have had things they swore they would NEVER give up. Funny, in hanging on to their will so desperately, they never seemed to get the life they truly wanted. Readiness, in practical terms, has come in stages. As the journey progresses and my conscious contact with my higher power continues to deepen and evolve, I become ready for things to change in different ways. It truly is work in progress. As I “trudge” along this journey, I have to be conscious every day that the defects of character that are a part of me remain in some ways with me. Daily I have to be conscious. Daily I ask for them to be removed. But now I am getting ahead of myself! For those who may be considering making huge change in their lives, always be conscious that change is a process and in my experience you have to do A before you do B, and one step builds on the success of what you have done on your trek. You have to have some faith and be well aware of defects before you can ask for them to be minimized or removed. Doing it half ass will give you half ass results! (khbray@hopesernity.ca ; www.hopeserenity.ca)
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ADMITTING-VERY HARD Admitted to God (Good Orderly Direction source), to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.-12 steps/5th step Admitting can be such a big word and a very hard thing to do. When looking thoroughly at myself and my past, I unearthed many things I was not proud of and had done many things that not even those closest to me were aware of. To plagiarize, these were secrets that I had intended to take to my grave. No one had to know! I had been living a life where I kept big secrets that caused negative emotions and I had learned to stuff my emotions inside. In doing my personal inventory using a written guide and a coach, I had been taken back to long forgotten incidents in my conscious memory, but the intensity of feelings that were rekindled told me that in my subconscious, they were still inside and haunting me. I had some hard choices to make. I could keep these secrets buried inside and live with the consequences or do as the step said. Was I prepared to admit, even fully to myself let alone this higher power thing or even scarier, another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs? I had unearthed a lot, was I prepared to own it? Eventually, the answer became yes or I would not be writing this nor have the life I am blessed with today. Picking the proper “human being” was something that made me think, and think carefully I did. There were choices including my coach, a minister/priest who I knew did this stuff, my 12 step sponsor and more. I did not want to be judged, I just needed to get the crap inside out. I wanted someone who had experience being a listener and a trusted confidant. With careful consideration, I made what was the right choice for me. After taking this action, which I do think is massive action; I gained some immediate release from inner turmoil. While my journey was far from over, I had faced “ADMITTING” and was ready to move forward a little more comfortable in my own skin. I can honestly say, I have no secrets lodged in me today and for that I am grateful! I began to really know serenity. (khbray@hopeserenity.ca; www.hopeserenity.ca)
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WHO AM I? I can remember those dark days back in 1994 that I really did not know who I was. Have you been there or are you at that point today. I knew the roles that I played, amongst them husband, father, employer, community volunteer, company leader; roles I played on life’s stage like an actor. Some I played much better than others. Inside I was a mess and frequently felt like the cartoon character that walks around with a little black cloud over my head. I frequently compared myself to others and took others inventory as a way to make me feel OK. Something inside of me kept saying things were not OK. The most important relationships in my life were crumbling and I was escaping in the ways I knew would work, escaping through the use of mood altering substances and behaviours. I was “spiritually empty. I could go on, but I think some of you will know the place I was at. I did know my roles in life although I had begun to fail miserably at some of them. Who was I as a person? Who was I inside? Why was I so discontent and unhappy? Most importantly, how did I get there? Why me? What was the cause? I wasn’t sure who I was but knew I was not happy and did not like the person I had become. In the language of AA, I had come to a turning point and had to take massive action and it all started with me. At this point I needed help to become fearless and courageous in that a look at myself and my life. I needed “guides”, both professional and process to get to the bottom of the question and to get some help. I was given the courage to do both. I went through a process. In 12 step language it is known as a 4th step. I was coached and guided by people that knew what they were doing. They were trained; they had walked the path before me. They had come out at the other end and were people I respected. At the end of this process I understood who I was for the first time in my adult life. I understood what had happened to get me to a low I couldn’t handle. I understood life patterns that went way back. I understood my weaknesses but every bit as importantly, understood the strengths and values that were still alive in me. This massive action allowed me to be in a position to move forward on my journey of life transformation and recovery. Many say you can get this “free” through a 12 step group, and for many this is true. For my own reasons, at this point in my life, it was not the option that worked for me. (For years I have been a member of a 12 step group). I needed professional help and reached out and got it. It was the single best investment I made in myself bar nothing. I can’t say this emphatically enough. I don’t knock other options but am grateful that I took a path that for me has given me on an increasing basis a me that I love and a life more in keeping with the life I was meant to live. Do you know who you really are? Are you unhappy with where you are at in life today? Is the mirror your friend or are you uncomfortable looking yourself in the eye? There are avenues open to you IF you are prepared to take a hard look at yourself then take massive personal action. If you can identify and want to discuss change, I’d be pleased to talk with you. I’m glad I took the journey and this step. There is more than one way and there is a way that is right for you WHEN YOU make the decision! Coaching and/or therapy are options. (www.hopeserenity.ca; khbray@hopeserenity.ca) Want to get going so you know the answer to “WHO AM I?”
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CAN YOU TURN IT OVER? A small change had started in my life. A journey of transformation had started and I was starting to recover a life I wanted. I had some hope sanity could return to my life. As I worked through the journey as laid out in the 12 steps, I hit something that called for a tough decision. It was a decision I was not ready for immediately, a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this higher power thing. For a person who had lived a life where I believed I was in control; turning my life and my will over to anything was tough thing to contemplate. Without fully appreciating it I tried to control all around me and appreciate today that I lacked trust in myself and others and that it was fear based. What would happen if I simply turned things that I could not control over to this higher power? Would life start to be like a towel in a dryer? How do I know what I can and can’t control? The thoughts were a little frightening. At that point in my life, I met a great man and mentor by the name of John Skelly. John coached me through this phase of change and even after I had began to learn how to turn things over and trust a bit; he was a constant reminder to me when I looked to take over too much control. The most important thing I learned was at this point in my journey, all I had to do was to make a DECISION to try some new behaviour. Ultimately, I tried and found a little at a time that it worked. I had developed a little faith (and faith is not totally rational) in something outside of myself. To say that things totally changed from this point on would be a stretch. I have had to keep making the decision consciously on a daily basis to turn over issues outside of my control and even today my success is not perfect; no where near it; but life has got better. In accepting where I was at in life and wanting change; in realising that there was an element of insanity in my life and with help this could chance and in making a decision to try and turn things over to this higher power, things I could not control, a funny thing happened. I found myself undergoing a significant change in my attitude toward life. I began to feel more balanced and get a bit of serenity. I began to feel hope. I was more “alive” inside than I had been in years. I found the courage to really start looking at causes, not just try to band aid the surface wounds. From a person who wanted to be in control and run the show; a person who had a lot of internal fear; a person who thought they could fix them self; I had made huge progress. I was able to reach outside of me for help. If I could do it so can anyone who really wants change. All it takes is the courage to reach out for help and realise you can’t do it on your own but that help in several forms is available! Is it YOUR time to make a DECISION? (khbray@hopeserenity.ca’ www.hopeserenity.ca)
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AM I INSANE? I had not thought this question out very well back in the 90’s. While I did crazy things, the life I was living would have indicated that at times I was nuts, but no one would have considered me insane. I had a responsible job, a family, a home, two or more cars, no debt, volunteered time to causes, etc. Yet a voice inside kept saying “Keith your nuts” and I fought it. Sure I drank too much at times and drugged some, sure I used other people to make me feel good; but then, wasn’t this “normal” for people in my position? The voice inside said “NOT”. Today I define insanity in a simple way (and I’m a complicated person trying to live a simple life); you’ve all heard it before; insanity simply is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. By this simple definition, I was insane and in the process had lost myself and any self-esteem that I had ever had. Yes I had “stuff” and the outward appearance of “success”, yet I had nothing inside accept that little voice. I was living in a fantasy land and just hoping things would be OK eventually and I was an actor on the stage of life just trying to please family and all those I came in contact with. I could not please me! Not even when I put on my “living” masks. Finally I sought help. Through a set of circumstances (marriage counselling to please her), I was introduced to a “coach” who understood me. He quarterbacked my recovery over a three year period. 12 step groups were not for a person of my stature in life, yet my “coach” introduced me to the 12 steps under a different terminology. He introduced me, when I was ready, to group therapy and some sharing. He presented the “thought” of treatment (of course with a white collar twist), and eventually checking into a facility became my idea. 16 years ago I was in residential treatment for New Years, a full 3 months after my clean and sober date. I was not ready for 12 step groups YET. While in treatment, I attended a class on spirituality. I was not and still am not a religious person, but something that was said by the “teacher” sparked inside of me and I went to see her after the lecture. To keep it simple, I learned what the little voice was inside of me; it was the voice of a power greater than I. Call it what you want, but it was a voice of rationale thinking; the “right” side of right and wrong equation that I had learned to shut down, the voice of Good Orderly Direction, whatever it was, it didn’t matter. It “was” and I began to listen to it. It also opened my mind to 12 step group attendance. Today, I spend a part of each day in conscious contact with this voice. I talk to it and listen to it. I try to do what it tells me I should do and as best I can, on a daily basis, I give my problems and worries, those outside of my direct control, over to this higher power to handle. I’ve made huge progress, yet there is and always will be a long way to go! I’m work in progress. The 12 steps tell me that we came to believe a power greater than us could restore us to sanity. I’ve learned this truth. Once I was coached to understand the insanity in my life, and was coached to find out what the small quiet voice inside was, I became one of those miracles who have been restored to sanity by a power greater than me. I COULD NOT DO IT ALONE.I COULD NOT FIX MYSELF. Ever ask yourself if you’re insane? If you are like me and ask the question, it is likely you are! Scary, but this is very common. Look at all the “well known” people around us who have come forward and told us how mental illness has touched their lives. You have options open to you. One is to continue to do nothing, let the insanity continue, and deprive yourself of self-esteem, self-respect and living the life you are capable of living. This is a selfish cowardly way to live. It hurts others and cheats the world of talent. Another open to you is to reach out and get the help you need. Depending on whom you are and where you’re at, this help is available in many forms including 12 step groups and the people you will meet there. Personal coaching or counselling are other avenues that can be a good start point. No matter what route you chose, reach out, get help and be prepared to take massive action. There is a power greater than you that can help you find sanity and the internal peace that goes with it. (khbray@hopeserenity.ca; www.hopeserenity.ca).
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THE POWER OF ACCEPTANCE As each new year begins, I love to go through and meditate on the 12 steps. As I constantly tell others, while the 12 steps in the familiar format people look at today come from AA, there is no better model for any human being to follow for good mental hygiene. Want a better life tomorrow than you have today, start a journey using the 12 steps as your map! My mentor Dr. Randin Brons just published the following thoughts in his Idea Engineer, and lo and behold they go right to the first step’s theme. ACCEPTANCE. He wrote: The power of acceptance "It is permissible to take life's blessings with both hands provided thou dost know thyself prepared in the opposite event to take them just as gladly. This applies to food and friends and kindred, to anything God gives and takes away... As long as God is satisfied do thou rest content. If he is pleased to want something else of thee, still rest content." -- Meister Eckhart
Our life begins to change in magical ways when we open to the experience of life AS IT IS. With acceptance, we stop fighting what is happening. And this creates space, an opening for new relationships to unfold.
Explore unconditionally saying yes to the facts of life. Accept your past and where you are now. Unconditional acceptance is unconditional love and this is healing.
"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater." -- Nicholas Evans Any journey forward begins with what Dr. Brons refers to as unconditional acceptance. Is there something not right in your life? Something you know you must change? Something that is causing negatives in your life? Is that small quiet voice deep inside constantly niggling at you? Accept what the problem really is and own it. Then get ready to make the journey of positive change, the co-creative journey of life transformation and life recovery. You’re worth it! (khbray@hopeserenity.ca; www.hopeserenity.ca).
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2011-POSITIVE CHANGES? May you LIVE all the days of your life-Johnathan Swift Another new year. Another year entered into with the best of intentions. Ever look back and really measure the changes you planned to make in 2010 and where you sit today? For most, their resolutions are but a fading dream about 2 weeks into a new year. My grandmother drilled it into my head- the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Fact is, if you don’t take massive action, you will likely not make changes in you life, particularly major lifestyle changes. Another fact, few can make changes without help, and the better the help the more likelihood that success will be achieved. I quit making new years resolutions years ago. Seldom did I do the things I resolved to do even though my intentions were there! So what is it you plan to change in 2011? Are you looking to tackle the year with a more positive, upbeat outlook? Is there a habit, addiction or behaviour you intend to modify dramatically? Is there a dream you’ve harboured for a long time that you intend to make a reality? Unless you are prepared to take massive action and get the help you need and deserve, nothing in 2011 will change dramatically from 2010. For me, 1995 was a year during which I made huge positive changes. I gave up a depilating addiction, shook frequent depression, rebuilt the most important relationship in my life, had a spiritual awakening and began to enjoy each day as it came along. Major change brought about by taking massive action and getting the right help for me; people who were experts at success! How is your head entering into this new year? What changes do you want to make? Have you got the life you want? You do have choices. I’ve been through it and procrastinated for many years. I lost more than I wanted to lose, but lost what I had to lose for me to take action. While I was fearful of radical change because I didn’t know what I would find, I am eternally grateful that I harnessed the courage within to do what had to be finally done. I coach people to success for a living. That being said, my passion is to see others succeed. Over the next couple of weeks I would like to be a part of helping others to find the key to actually taking action to make positive changes in 2011. While I am always looking for the “right” clients, as a service, I love to chat with others to try and help them find the courage to take the path THEY need, and there are many options available. As a start point to hitting you resolutions for 2011, why not share them here along with the action you are planning to take and what date you will do this by? Let’s make 2011 a year where you find serenity in your own skin and a you that YOU love! Let’s not enter 2012 saying I should of or I wish I had of!!!!
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Between The Ears “Life is a game played on a 5 inch course, the distance between your ears” As well move into a new year, the above statement is worth remembering, only because it is true. It is adapted from a quote Bobby Jones made about golf. I am often struck by the similarities between golf and life, and how many lessons learned through gold apply to life today. So what is 2011 going to be for you? To do the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome is, to me, the best simple definition I know for insanity. So if you think yourself sane, and are not completely happy with your self and/or outcomes in 2010, what are you going to change, and even deeper, how are you going to make change happen? As always, just based on your own good intentions? Look at where you’re at and remember the old adage, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. Time you made a big change in the real play area, the space between your ears. Maybe you can connect that space to the space deep inside you, the space generally ignored; the niggling voice inside; that says change is needed. Want to get into the game of life and love playing it? Get some help. Set some goals that you really want. Find someone to hear you and act as a sounding board. Make a measurable plan. Be held accountable and be pushed. Take action and make it happen. Get that critical 5 inches turned around. There are many reasons that individuals may want to change and many things that may impact, amongst them addictions or escape through behaviours. The results are the same including depression, lonliness, not feeling that you fit, discomfort in your own skin, never enough, relationships that are crumbling, under achieving from a financial perspective. For most, the reason is the same. A bad personal 5 inch space and not being connected to the real you. There are many solutions available and coaching is but one. If you can relate to this article and want to improve your life by dealing with the five inch space, then accept that you have issues and take massive action. Whether it be coaching, a self-help group or a psychiatrist or a combination, is you can relate, please take action. In the game of life as with the game of golf, your outcome is a direct result of what happens in that 5 inch course. (Keith, www.hopeserenity.ca)
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AT THE END OF YOUR ARM The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm. --Swedish proverb Every now and again a quote comes to you that is just so obvious but true! There are so many looking for help, looking to others to “fix” them and take responsibility for them Getting help does start at the end of your arm; it sure did for me. We are entering into a period of time which for many of us is supposed to be “Joyous” and fun no matter what your religion. For many this time of the year has a strong religious component. For far too many, this is a very tough time of the year. It is depressing, particularly when you feel you are not a part of what’s going on, you have a black cloud over your head, or you are not materially in a good place. Like many others, I believe that we have lost what is really important;” the spirit” of the season. I marvel each year at this time as people come forward and give to others. Whether it is toys, money, food, clothing or more, many do what they can to insure others can materially enjoy the basics of the season. What troubles me is that there are far too many that take all they can from the helping hand, and do not look at the end of their own arm. Nothing changes unless something changes and in my case, that something had to be me. Courage is needed to break the negative cycle some get caught up in. To get help, your arm must reach out. This is a season that is truly spiritual, and in reaching out you may be directed to something inside of you; at your very centre. I am a long time recovering addict and I do believe in holistic life recovery with a spiritual component (not necessarily religious). I read “recovery” literature and often quote from it. From the book “Keep It Simple”, a Hazelden publication, the following hit home today: “We do this by finding our spiritual center. This is the place inside of us where our Higher Power lives. We turn our will and our lives over to this spiritual center. We do as our spiritual center tells us. And from our spiritual center, we'll find our values. We'll live better lives. We'll come to trust ourselves again.” While the “this” talked about refers to self-trust, if you reach out and look, you will find that this “spiritual centre” is the fulcrum for a mentally healthy balanced life. To my Christian friends may you fully embrace the spiritual base of this holiday, to all others, may the “spirit of the season” touch you as you have some time to relax. If you’re looking for a hand, start at the end of your own arm. You will never know where it leads until you try. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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PEOPLE PLEASIN’ TIME OF THE YEAR I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.--Bill Cosby I am so blessed to have the space I do to work in. Today my view through my windows is of crisp white snow and snow clinging to mature cedars at the back of our property. The view reflects the positive state I’m in a majority of the time, and I am eternally grateful for the changes in my life that allow me to see the beauty all around me. Years ago, my favourite lady, my Aunt Ruth, used to take me to see Bill Cosby. This was well before he was a sitcom guy. I love both his comedy and wisdom. The quote above, which came as a part of a reading, was a good reminder for me today. I, for one, spent many a year trying to please others. Pleasing others for a myriad of reasons was very important to me. I wanted love and wanted affirmation from others that I was OK. If you can relate to this then please read on. As Cosby states, trying to please everybody was a key to failure in many parts of my life. I had lost something critical to success; ME. I may have come across as self-centred and at times “insecure and needy”. Frequently I tried to I cover this by acting arrogant or superior. I know today that my actions were a cry out for security and that stemmed from a lack of self-esteem. As I got older, things got worse. I became whatever person I thought would make others happy, and I sought affirmation of myself in all the wrong places and ways. I looked for all types of ways to fill the hole inside yet things got progressively worse, not better. Christmas and the holiday time were the worst time of the year for my people pleasing. Look at the opportunities that come about, particularly with the ability to give the biggest and best present, to be flowery in cards I wrote and to be the best Christmas guy around. When the smoke cleared after the celebrations, that hole was still there. Through some tough lessons and sinking (in my own mind) to levels I did not want to be at, I was taught a great lesson by a “help giving professional” I had sought ought. In my own way, I had been running my tail off to please others. I had not learned why I had that hole in me and what I truly had to do to fill it. The learning started a journey for me, a journey I continue on to this day. Healing was a process of life transformation and recovery. I go through a brief exercise with most of my clients. It shows that you can’t give away what you haven’t got. How do you please (or even love) others wholly if you can’t do it for yourself. In some ways the life I had led would seem selfish, and it was. People pleasing was part of the manifestation of this. A paradox became real. I had to get truly selfish to become unselfish. I had to take the time, and get the help to work on me; and it has paid huge dividends, dividends that can’t be measured in dollars and cents. The scene before me is a reminder that Christmas is coming. Because of the road I’ve travelled, Christmas is now totally different. Sure we give and receive gifts. Both in my personal life and family life I love to give. There is now a huge difference. Today the priority is not to please you (although it’s lovely to see joy in others). I can do things that please me and the power that guides my life and in doing this, it seems to bring joy to many of those in my life. The hole inside is very small. I cannot please all of the people all of the time and I long ago quit trying. Without that hole inside of me, I can do what I believe is right without the motive of trying to simply please others and this does give me personal serenity, pleasure and gratitude. Mr. Cosby you are so right, trying to please everybody is a key to failure.
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Selfishness Every now and again I reflect back on my life to a time before I started what I know call a “co-creative process of life recovery”. There were many negative qualities that were at work most of the time. One that I really regret is selfishness. I wanted the world to see me as a caring unselfish person. Many of my actions were just that-they looked caring and unselfish. The truth was, all too often, I did things with a motive-what was in it for me? I know this in retrospect. I certainly spent years in the grasp of substance abuse and mood altering behaviours. As the quote below states, I got into a way of living that can aptly be described as self-will run riot. Those closest to me suffered, although it was not what I intended. When not comfortable in your own skin and finding ways to escape (totally selfish), the impact on others become secondary. Take a look at your life? Is there truly an element of selfishness at play? Do you use “substances or behaviours” to escape your real life? Do you want this to end? From experience, left untreated, it only gets worse, never better. I went through a “holistic” process to regain my life. A part of this was attending and practicing 12 step meetings and the principles of the 12 steps. These principles, as a noted Forensic Psychologist and role model once stated to me, “form as good a platform for good mental hygiene as can be found”. The best book ever written for 12 step principles is the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” written in the late 30’s. AA was the first of the over 100 12 step groups now in existence and provided the principles followed by all. I read and quote this text often as a part of what I work on others with. If you haven’t read it, it is worth it to all. “Selfishness -- self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. . . So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! ”
- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62 Wanting to be less selfish is a noble goal. Achieving that goal takes work, courage and mentoring. As we approach the holiday season, do you want to give it a try? I can tell you, I am thrilled I am on the journey and appreciate the progress made. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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SABOTAGING SELF? How are you sabotaging yourself? "If you play it safe in life you've decided that you don't want to grow any more." -- Shirley Hufstedler
How are you sabotaging you’re potential for change?
We unconsciously use defense mechanisms to shield us from situations we perceive to be scary or painful. A part of you may want to grow and change, but another part may be resisting because change always moves you into new territory in your thinking and emotions.
If you find you are getting anxious, fearful, angry, frustrated, dismissive or unmotivated, then defense mechanisms are at work. Watch for them and know them to be signs of fear that wants to hold you back. Then courageously move through them.
"I have never been contained except I made the prison." -- Mary Evans Once again, my mentor Dr. Randin Brons shares a very thought provoking article in his weekly Idea Engineer. Please give the question some thought. In my daily work (and volunteer life) I come across so many people who self sabotage, and it is obvious that they are doing it. They identify a problem that is really negatively impacting their lives and state they would like to solve it and move forward. A path to achieving their goal is outlined and then the excuses for not taking action start. “I can’t afford it”, “I already know what the problem is”, “I haven’t got time”, “I can fix it myself”, “I have a friend that….” or even an honest “I’m afraid of what I might find”. You’re reading this article for a reason. Many of you have a good idea that you are sabotaging your own happiness and know you must make change. Why let fear- however it manifests itself- hold you back? While I do coach people to achieve the changes that want, I am also prepared, as a service, to spend time with people who just want to discuss life change, transformation and recovery. Where you go from that chat is up to you. Do you not deserve, as a priority, the life you are capable of living? Have courage! How are you sabotaging your life?
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SITTING IN JUDGEMENT No judgment Everything in life holds both a blessing and a curse. We deny this when we label the events of our lives as either good or bad. The following old Zen story illustrates this lesson most effectively.
A farmer had a horse but one day, the horse ran away and so the farmer and his son had to plow their fields themselves. Their neighbors said, "Oh, what bad luck that your horse ran away!" But the farmer replied, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"
The next week, the horse returned to the farm, bringing a herd of wild horses with him. "What wonderful luck!" cried the neighbors, but the farmer responded, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
Then, the farmer's son was thrown as he tried to ride one of the wild horses, and he broke his leg. "Ah, such bad luck," sympathized the neighbors. Once again, the farmer responded, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"
A short time later, the ruler of the country recruited all young men to join his army for battle. The son, with his broken leg, was left at home. "What good luck that your son was not forced into battle!" celebrated the neighbors. And the farmer remarked, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
"Do not judge and you will never be mistaken." -- Jean Jacques Rousseau I am a man who judged very quickly over a large portion of my life. I have been coached to do otherwise. My mind has gone from much closed to mostly open; real progress! Being far less judgmental has also helped me in all my relationships and is critical as a life coach (www.hopeserenity.ca). I thank my mentor Dr. Randin Brons for this share in his Idea Engineer.
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CHASING HAPPINESS? “One is happy as a result of one's own efforts, once one knows the necessary ingredients of happiness — simple tastes, a certain degree of courage, self denial to a point, love of work, and, above all, a clear conscience. Happiness is no vague dream, of that I now feel certain.”-George Sand-19th Century female French novelist I came upon a part of this George Sand quote in one of my daily readings and in exploring who George Sand was, came upon the whole quote. It certainly gave me a jolt to think and ponder; after all, do most of us not spend our lives chasing “HAPPINESS”? Happiness is not an accident. If we learn how to truly look for it, we will find it within. It’s the how to find it that is a problem to many. Inside of us is a small quiet voice, a part of us that we often learn to ignore. Whether we like it or not OR vehemently deny it, there is a spiritual component that is part of each of us. A part of that element is love-for self and others. This voice, when heard, speaks of care and loving. It will never tell us to hurt ourselves or others. It is, in part, a higher power that dwells within, a higher power we can call love. There is a skill that I had to learn to locate and have conscious contact with this voice within. It was not easily learned; I had to be coached through the process until it became a regular part of a new balanced approach to daily living. The happiness I’ve gained is a result of my own efforts and to reach that state of having a clear conscience. As Sands says, happiness is no vague dream; it is part of my life today. Happiness has not been an accident but a discovery by choice. So are you chasing happiness in all the wrong places and have no real idea of what it feels like and where to find it? You DO have the key within. Happiness is not an accident. It comes from finding the undeniable spiritual (not religious) voice. I’m truly glad to have found it. (www.hopeserenity.ca) Another Sands quote to close: “There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.”
George Sand
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Practice, Practice, Practice I’m a golf nut, and some may say certifiable. With the amount of golf tips and lessons I’ve had appear on my computer screen this last little while; it caused me to reflect on not only my golf game, but my life. I am a believer in asking for help, and when it comes to my golf game, I read a lot a do watch instructional videos and tips. I watch top level professional players and listen to them. I have gone to what might be called golf “rehab”, intensive clinics lead by great teachers where 100% of the focus is on the golf swing with the intent to improve. I set goals for my golf “handicap” and track results diligently. I am not a “natural” but am blessed with reasonable hand eye co-ordination. I am lucky that I have an opportunity to play quite a bit and have reasonably good equipment and teaching aids. Man, I should be ready to play on the tour- or at least the old guy’s tour. While my golf has improved over the years and I’m decent, I am not as good as I should be with the amount I play. I am not terribly consistent and my scores can swing significantly from 9 holes to 9 holes and day to day. I can have stretches where I play good gold but it only lasts a short time. Why? Why” Why? There is a very simple reason. While I understand the mechanics better than most and have read, watched and heard all the techniques, I don’t spend nearly enough time on the practice range putting into practice what I have been shown. During the brief periods in my golf life I have committed to and actually practiced, I play consistently better golf. I faced very similar challenges in life. I did ask for help, got a coach, and went to rehab, read and so on. What I went through was similar to golf. A huge difference is that I set goals, and achieve them and do have a large amount of consistency in my daily living. Life happens each and every day. I have a “series” of things I must do every day and have a “check list” that I have used for years which I go through regularly to make sure I am practicing what I have learned on a daily basis. (Want it? email me at khbray@hopeserenity.ca and it’s yours). I know with the balance that I have in my life today, I am playing the game of life at a high and personally satisfying level and I coach others on how to get into the game. Practice, practice, Practice. With this clarity of thought, maybe I can take what I’ve learned about the game of life to the golf course. Possibly I can play less and practice more. The big difference, living is a serious business; golf is a game!
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WHO’S BEHIND YOUR SUCCESS? Behind an able man there are always other able men.
--Chinese proverb
The similarities between this and the saying “Behind every good man is a good woman” are striking. How many say “I am self-made”? No one succeeds alone.
Most of us have had a strong desire in our lives to "do it ourselves." We have had the idea that strength and independence meant we should not rely on or receive help from others.
Ah yes, big boys (and girls) don’t cry, and to ask for help to many is a show of weakness and a skill never learned. I know because I was there. Asking for help was a learned skill in the journey of life recovery and my transformation as a person. Accepting help may have even been more difficult. Today I understand that throughout my whole life, I have had help available but have not known how to accept it. From other people-yes. But all the time there was a power greater than me helping. Without it, I certainly would have been dead. Over the journey I have become much stronger. Daily I seek help, and on some occasions even listen and act. Progress as they say, not perfection. I am able to share this new found strength with others, and in doing so continue to get stronger inside. To my US friends, remember-behind an able person are other able people. As you celebrate Thanksgiving, give thanks to the able people that have been with you and be open to those that will come!
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I’ve Heard It (Said It) Before I was out last week for a meeting not related to my work but for a "community organization". During the course of the conversation I was asked what I do for a living. When I told the person, his eyes opened wide, he stated this has happened for a reason, and called another family member in. Funny, they have a family member who has a problem and appears to be in denial about it. This happens frequently with people I meet; its’ usually never them, but they know someone. Funny, at a point going back in my life I would have said I knew someone who had a problem (my wife would have said the same thing) but I would never have said it was they guy in the mirror. My wife would have pointed me out! Funny how that works!! Most addicted people, or people with living issues for that matter, are in denial. While many on the outside may admit they have some issues, most are not being honest. People who care about them want to believe but the funny things, with 10%+ of the population having an addiction (or major living) issue, the truth is the addicted LIE to themselves and to others. Question is- how do you know when they are lying? A good friend of mind, Patrick Meninga who writes "Spiritual River" has just done a great article on this. I have posted it in full on my web site, www.hopeserenity.ca. If this article is ringing true with you, I invite you to go over to my site, and read Patrick’s article in full. It certainly hit home with a couple of addicted friends and family in my life!
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Reawaken your curiosity "What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult." -- Sigmund Freud
Why is this so?
Young children possess what Zen calls 'beginner's mind.' They are awed and fascinated with the wonder of the world, open to discovering and experiencing new things. Anything is possible. Life is a great adventure.
For almost all of us, the systems that 'educate' us to be adults stifle our natural joy and curiosity. We lose touch with our innate appreciation of life. We forget how to dream.
The blessing is that with attention, patience and love, we can reawaken our sense of wonder. We can again dance with life.
"The mind WILL be free, or it will be dead." -- Grace Llewellyn
Thank you to my mentor Dr. Randin Brons and his Idea Engineer for this article. A very good reminder to me of one of the true gifts of a coach- we help people reawaken their curiosity and rediscover that radiant intelligence that is within each of us.(www.hopeserenity.ca)
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I don’t know how many people I have talked to over the years who have claimed "I’ve prayed about it but nothing happened". Funny how it works. I can relate to the title saying; for many years, when things got desperate, I would pray to a god I learned about in Sunday school. Prayer was in the form of a plea and oft times followed the pattern "If you get me out of this spot this time I’ll never do it again" or "Please give me/let me have…….". Strange, the results I got were not great.
The sign in the antique store showed a fisherman in a rowboat being tossed about in a storm. The message was clear: the fisherman may have great faith, but now was not the time to put away the oars and kneel in prayer - it was time to pray and row!
Sometimes we find ourselves in a storm of trouble, a sea of problems, and we want God to get us out. We may even pray, "God, get me out of this mess." But like the man in the rowboat, the way out is not just by praying to God. The way out is to pray, ask for help, and take action - do something to help ourselves. For years I did not understand the simple message. I always believed that there was something greater than me in this world and I certainly believed this something was capable of miracles. What I forgot was that action was MY responsibility and God helps those who help themselves. In my case, helping me was fully admitting I has a problem, accepting it and taking the action I needed to not only get help, but to do the things I was taught I needed to do. Today I ask simply each day for the knowledge of what my Higher Power’s will is and for the courage to carry it out. Then it is up to me to row to shore! (www.hopeserenity.ca). PRAY to God. ROW to SHORE
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I DON’T GET IT! (Or I CAN FIX IT MYSELF) In my line of work and in my own "life of service" there seems to be periods of time where I can’t believe what my ears are hearing. The blessing, in hearing what I hear, is that I am grateful for the life that I have learned to live, and the basic move way from insane behaviour because of what I have been taught. Daily I thank that power greater than me that I am now conscious of and which, when I pay attention, gives me a life free of large doses of fear and shame. Today’s most recent saga, an old acquaintance has called a lawyer client of mine for a get together. The reason, he has lost (for the second or third time in 2 months) his passport, and wants to attend a hockey tournament in the USA this weekend to watch his son; this after a five day detox stint following 9 weeks of nearly killing himself. The lawyer was recently told, during an emergency trip to hospital, that if he continues his life style, he will die. I must admit that this sounds like the blind leading the blind; or, insanity in a form that I have personally experienced. Throw on top of this a conversation with a potential client who suffers from chronic lateness (is getting chronic on this habit insane?) and it’s been an interesting 24 hour period. With all concerned, they claim that they just don’t understand why these things happen to them, and at least with "frick and frack", deep down they think they can fix it themselves. Unfortunately, unless things change, I foresee a couple of more needless and senseless funerals that I will be attending. Chronic lateness, I don’t think this kills but it certainly puts unneeded limitations on your life and certainly does nothing for self worth! The people I have been interfacing with are basically decent, intelligent hard working people but people who have the deadly combination of false pride and low self esteem/respect. Deadly if not treated. Funny, they don’t understand why they do the things they do and with the lawyer and my other long term acquaintance, really believe that they can fix themselves through sheer abstinence. Life reminds me of where I found my major problem. I found it in a mirror. After having found the problem, I swallowed my pride and reached out for help. Some fortunate ones seem to get all the help they need from a 12 step fellowship. While I certainly got (and get) help from group meetings, I needed far more help than meetings could provide. I needed the help of professionals to help me learn not only the tools I needed to live the life I was capable of, but to help me understand how I got so far off track and to address the root causes. I was fortunate to "get it" and learn the hard way that I could not fix myself. The past 24 hours has once again reminded me, "the road to hell (and I’ve been there) is paved with good intentions." To get off it requires action and change. I love to see people get the life they want and am blessed that I have been a part of many success stories. As noted above, I continue to be reminded that I cannot "fix" others, particularly those who believe they can fix themselves. I have empathy for those who "just don’t get it" for they cannot be honest in front of that great tool we all own, the mirror. All I can do is be present when I can be of service! And keep on learning to be of greater service. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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MORE ON ANGER Today, I had the pleasure of reading an exert from a book called "In God’s Care" by Karen Casey. What a great reminder about the power of anger. How many people do you run into in your own life that give off vibes that make you feel like there is a volcano present and just about ready to explode? Ever feel that way yourself? Anger was made a part of us for a reason. Dealing with it, for many, is an acquired skill. "Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.
--Albert Einstein
Anger can be a healthy emotion, provided we don't wallow in it or attack other people. When we express anger honestly and without reservation, we can prevent walls of resentment from building up and blocking us off from the intimacy that we strive for in our relationships.
When we allow anger to fester in our heart, we surrender our peace of mind and lose our sense of purpose and self-worth. When we harbour anger rather than openly and respectfully expressing it, we no longer hear our inner spirit. Thus we are cut off from our innate wisdom to guide us in our actions.
We're often drawn to people who express their feelings honestly. This style of communicating serves as an invitation to build a relationship with them based on trust. From this trust we learn to open ourselves to God's love for us as we are.
Today I will feel my anger, express it when necessary, and then let it go so that I can deepen my trust of other people and of God."
The beauty of life today is that I have a choice on how I deal with anger on a daily basis. I chose to express honestly and without reservation and do carry it with me as baggage. I openly admit; this is a skill I acquired through coaching and a skill that makes my days brighter! (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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MOVING TOWARDS SUPERCONSCIOUNESS Each week I receive, with interest, a thought provoking “Idea Engineer” from my mentor, Dr. Randin Brons. I have been fascinate for years by the concept of duality, the two (at least) personalities that exist in each of us. Which one is at the forefront is driven by our level of consciousness. In getting a life more in tune with what my Higher Power had intended me to have, I had to learn to move from (as defined by Dr. Brons) too much time in the subconscious to a majority of time in the conscious and even at times, the superconscious. Getting to this life change was a learned skill, and great coaching was instrumental in my achieving change. I invite you to read and reflect on Dr. Bron’s article from this past weekend. Levels of consciousness "The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind." -- William James
Here is one perspective on levels of consciousness and some descriptive words to help us identify the differences:
Not conscious - instinctual, follower
Subconscious - habitual, robotic, reactive
Conscious - aware, intelligent, conceptual, reflective
Superconscious - intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal
Reflect on how you typically move through your day. As we use our minds more consciously, we open up to the superconsciousness.
"Utilizing your conscious mind to direct the subconscious mind to enter into communication and harmony with the universal mind is the secret of personal power." -- Delfin Knowledge System
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A NIGHT OF HOPE Every now and again, we can all use a "shot" of hope. Last night was a great one for me. With all the stats that I keep seeing on addiction recovery, the exploits of people like Lindsay Lohan and the "name" athletes and celebs we are bombarded with and the tough times we are going through, it is easy to have feelings of "hope" dimmed. Last night, I had the opportunity to drive down to Toronto and take part is a special evening, one that left me full of hope. The apple does not fall far from the tree, and not only in my personal situation, but the words of many in attendance, I was reminded of that throughout the evening. Last night I was asked and happily presented my son with a symbolic medallion to recognize he had completed on full year clean and sober. To be asked by him to this was a real honour, to see him achieve this milestone at a much younger age was terrific. Too bad his grandfather and great grandfather did not have the same experience. While it was a great moment to be a part of this occasion for my son, my regeneration of hope came from far more than this. During the evening, 4 younger (than me) people were recognized for achieving clean time of one year or more, and each shared a story that showed a positive impact on the people, including spouses and children, who were close to them. Several other people came forward to be recognized for milestones leading up to one year, and they were all beaming ear to ear! It was not the recognition of individuals that filled me with hope. It was the fact and living proof that there are many people who are truly recovering from addictions on a daily basis and are transforming their lives; all of them with help on a spiritual basis. They are no longer alone spiritually! Was I proud of my offspring? Sure was. Was I pleased to be a part of a "helping" community including volunteers and professionals? Yup. But more than anything, I was thrilled to be a part of an evening where miracles in people’s lives gave hope. Pure and simple. It was a recharging of batteries that were in need of a recharge. As a friend of mine who is a motivational speaker and trainer taught me long ago, Rule #1 we all should learn is, "life is tough". There are no exceptions. As I was reminded last night; while life is tough, there is HOPE for each and every one of us who choose to change. Great HOPE. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE IT? Over many years, I have had the privilege of working in a mentoring or coaching role with hundreds. I’ve been in several roles, each of them different in approach, from boss to mentor to sponsor to coach to friend to "trusted confidant" to sponsor. I am hesitant to mention father because this is a very unique role. The "issues" have varied from work and job related, through life crisis including depression and addiction through family and relationship issues. There is, in my experience, no one size fits all solution, but there are a few simple things that those who have achieved their definition of success have in common. "He who requires urging to do a noble act will never accomplish it." --Kahlil GibranAs the Gibran quote points out, if a person has to be pushed to do the right thing, it likely will not happen. If your not totally willing to make change and prepared to accept the reality of your situation, chances for achieving YOUR goals is minimal. In many of the roles I have played, I have just been there for others because I try to be a good mentor, friend, boss, etc. While always hopeful, I will work with others out of a sense of personal duty. I love my role as coach, I will not work with a person who, prior to agreeing to a coach/client relationship, cannot convince me, they are willing to try new things and accepting that they are at a personal bottom, a place that they want to move up from. They must accept that they had a role in reaching their bottom. I will not work with clients who are not prepared to be open and honest about their past and present. If they cannot be honest with me as coach, there is a strong probability that they cannot be honest with themselves. In my practise, the mirror is an important client tool and who likes to look at a liar? I work with clients who want to "make it" (as defined by them) and I guarantee success, something unique in my business. Ah, the joys of coaching by choice! Once I have been convinced a person is willing and has accepted, I ask them for a written commitment to do the work THEY are assigned. Work you may ask? Yes homework on a regular and sometimes daily basis. Without hard work and commitment coupled with making change a high priority in your daily life, success will not happen. This is called action. So you want to make it? You are tired of the life you are living and the lack of joy you are getting? You want an abundant life? You have your own issues and story. Because of your uniqueness, there is not a cookie cutter solution. HOWEVER, I have tried to share, in a straight forward fashion, things I had to do and are common elements I have witnessed in those who have successfully "made it". (
www.hopeserenity.ca) Are you really prepared to make it or are you kidding yourself?
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TOP TEN REASONS I USE From my friend Patrick Meninga at "Spiritual River", I want to share this article with you. If you see yourself in it, you need to talk with someone before you become a statistic! The Top 10 Excuses that Addicts and Alcoholics Use to Justify Their Addiction – and Why it is All BS
Excuse #1: "I have to drink/use drugs in order to work or continue to be successful." Oh really? Is that why you…. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is….
…your career actually suffers due to your addiction, rather than being empowered by your drinking or drug use.
When I was still using drugs and alcohol, I tried to rationalize that drinking and drugging was beneficial to my work in different ways. After getting clean and sober, I have made huge leaps in my career and what I do for meaningful work in my life. The truth is that my drinking was severely limiting me, not empowering me. Excuse #2: "I need to drink/use drugs in order to be social." Oh really? Is that why you…. Perhaps the real truth of the matter is….
…your drinking and drug use may have resulted in some occasional "fun times" in social environments, but over the long term it only serves to isolate you further. Not only that, but the true addict or alcoholic will eventually go overboard, use more than they planned on, and end up in embarrassing situations that they would have otherwise liked to avoid.
The truth is that we see ourselves as being "tragically hip and fatally cool" when we are intoxicated or high, but everyone else just thinks we are lame, or boring. Get over yourself. Excuse #3: "I’m not hurting anyone else." Oh really? Is that why you…. PLEASE READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE AT www.hopeserenity.ca. Bet you find your excuse in here!
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AUTHENTICALLY YOU! "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland Why do so many people live their lives to try and be someone else? You have to love the late Judy Garland’s quote because it is so true. I know that for many years I lived a life trying to be who others wanted me to be. Today, I often see others trying to be like or look like someone else. Recently my grandson grew hair to look like Justin Bieber, and the look, in part because of the texture of his hair, did not suit him at all! And man, the money that is spent on cosmetic and other surgeries to try to be "just like"! The question is "what is wrong with being you"? Now there are some who read this who will say well there are people with serious deformities or defects who require corrective surgery, and off course, there are. This is not what I’m referring to. If you are not happy with who you are today, why not get some help and take action yourself to be a first rate version of yourself. With few exceptions, we have all been given some great attributes and we have to become personally responsible to accentuate our strengths and humbly appreciate them and use them while recognizing our weaknesses and working actively to minimize there impact. I strive daily to be a first rate version of myself, and while I’m not everybody’s cup of tea, today I live comfortably in my own skin. I am happy being me and am a work in constant progress. Be authentically you and not a person who is trying to be someone else! Not happy with who you are? Rather than trying to be a second rate version of someone else, why not take the action needed to be a first rate version of yourself? To be authentically you! (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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Suffering to Get Well-Life Paradox "There is no way to escape the terrible suffering of remorse and regret and shame and embarrassment which starts us on the road to getting well from our affliction. There is no new way to shake out a hangover.It's painful. And for us, necessarily so. . . . We suffer to get well." Ah, the paradoxes of life. For those who read this and are suffering real pain emotionally, some good news, it is true, we suffer to get well. Without suffering, we can remain at a "stuck point" where things are not well, but we have become numbed or accepting of things less than we deserve. Our emotions inside become suppressed, we don’t feel in the vibrant way we know we should. A reality or wake up call happens; we listen to our small quiet voice and take action. In doing this, we suffer; but this suffering is a step in regaining our life and emotional health. So to those who are suffering because of real cause- take positive action. Appreciate your suffering is a real step to getting well! Need to kick start action? Get in touch. (www.hopeserenity.ca)
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EVER WONDERED-"DO I HAVE A PROBLEM?" If you’ve ever wondered if you have a problem with alcohol, sex, drugs, food, gambling or other such issues, the simple answer is "yes you do". Did it ever strike, people who don’t have a problem know they don’t. They don’t have to question. Those who ask themselves if they do, particularly when the question crosses their minds on more than one occasion; DO. I know this from personal experience. If you have a problem then there is a major next step. It’s called acceptance. Once you accept you have a problem, you have tough choices; to ignore it and hope it goes away or that you can fix yourself OR to get help and deal with the problem head on. If you are facing problems due to your own behaviours OR the behaviours of loved ones, and it is causing your life to be unmanageable, please feel free to get in touch. I have been working with others successfully for decades and may be able to put you on the right track with no obligation. (Keith Bray, www.hopeserenity.ca). Living and addiction help in Canada and globally.
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LIFE IS HARD-GOT RESILIENCE? There's a vital living asset that almost never gets talked about, because it's so hard to define. You could call it reserves, staying power, bandwidth - or resilience. Examples of resilience might be:
When your computer crashes, you know who to call to help you recover.
When your projects don’ materialize even though you worked hard to promote them, you focus on the lessons that will help you succeed at the next one.
When something just isn't working, you get twice as interested in how to make it work. When you go it alone to achieve major life change and do not succeed, you know when and where to reach out for help.
Whether you can define it or not, you can cultivate resilience. And you'll be glad you did.
The Importance of Being Resilient!
Almost everyone alive will get pushed to their limits, not once but many times. Face it; "Life Is Tough" (Rule 1 in living) is hard.
If it was easy, everyone living their dreams and have full self-love.
To a large extent, the ones who succeed will be the ones who are the most resilient - the ones who can go to their limit and find that they still have something more in reserve. The one's that put their resistance in "check" and move forward through it until they become free of it and experience the fruits of their labour.
Life's not fair and some people have been given a stronger constitution than others. But as always, the more interesting part is the part that is in your control. What are you doing to build
your resilience today?
Building resilience requires practice. The best time to do it is daily. You're the best judge of what works for you, but here are three steps that help:
Have great resources at your fingertips: Follow the GPS to your personal strengths and grow your self confidence one-methodical step and a time! The tools can be learned – you need to produce the follow-through. How badly do you want a life you love living?
Get good sleep, good nutrition, and good exercise.
Count your blessings: Notice how, after a setback, you keep going. End each day by acknowledging what you got out of it, whether that is the main story or the "silver lining". Gratitude is the foundation of prosperity thinking.
Do you have a favourite way to cultivate resilience? Or another quality that is as crucial in your life? Use all the resources you have to make your dream come true. It's all up you. (
www.hopeserenity.ca acknowledges The Art and Science of Coaching)
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